Can Enough Wrongs Make a Right?
by ashotoflife
Summary: A lovely little Malec AU that is incredibly unoriginal in concept. Magnus Bane is the new Lit teacher (High School) and Alexander is the beautiful boy sitting in the front row. Forbidden fluff ensues.
1. All that Glitters is Gold

**Hello, I'll be brief. This is total AU, everyone is human (even though Magnus seems a little out-of-this-world at times). You'll see lots of characters from the book and lots of references. Clarification for the Lightwood family: Alec, Isabelle, Max, and Jace are all siblings but Jace was adopted. Also, this will be a multi chapter and a** ** _very_** **slow burn. C'est tout! I hope you enjoy.**

"I-I'm sorry, I can't" Alec Lightwood stuttered, "I have a college interview Friday night."

"Night?" the tall blonde asked. Her lips pulled apart with a sort of smacking noise from all the glittery lip gloss she had applied. It made Alec cringe.

"Yeah, I know, weird time." He laughed a little but even lipgloss barbie could tell it was faked. Alec wasn't so good at hiding his nerves like his brother, Jace. However, blondie figured that his nerves were due to the tube top she was sporting that showed off a little too much cleavage. She smiled, thinking it was cute.

"Well some other time, yeah?"

"Yeah, no, sure" Alec rushed out, tugging lightly at his messy, raven back hair. Her eyebrows furrowed at the ambivalent response but gave a little nod and a 'see you round' before turning and strutting off. She added a little hip action too, knowing just how great her ass looked in the denim skirt she wore. Alec, however, wasn't watching. Girls batted their eyelashes at him, pushed out their breasts, sent little air kisses his way. But Alec was never watching.

With half lidded eyes Alec breathed a sigh of relief, leaning back against the lockers. That was the second time this week he'd been asked out, at least this time his excuse was legitimate. He pressed his sweaty palms against the chill of the metal locker door. _Breathe, Alec_. Alexander Lightwood never understood his appeal. He didn't get why girls wanted to date him when there were people like Jace who existed. Mostly though, Alec hated letting them down. He hated the crestfallen look on their face more than anything. It's not that he deeply cared about the girls who asked him out, he hardly knew them. He just didn't want to hurt anyone. The girls who asked him out typically didn't know him either. All they knew was that he was tall and beautiful and had eyes as blue as a caribbean sea. But they didn't know that he was also incredibly honest, and humble and when he smiled it lit up the whole room. Not a lot of people were lucky enough to see that smile.

"Hey man."

But Jace was one of those people.

Jace clasped Alec on the shoulder startling him out of his little pity party. Jace smirked at the surprised gasp he got.

"Daydreaming are we?"

"No, I was just- uh, nevermind." Jace gave Alec a little look but didn't bother pressing.

"Well, I was just in the locker room and somehow a few of those dumbasses cheated their way into Lit and were talking about the witch-"

"Ms. Herondale" Alec corrected.

"Yeah, whatever. If she wants me to show her respect than she should pull the stick out of her ass and stop being such a bitch." Alec rolled his eyes at that but knew that Jace wasn't entirely wrong. Ms. Herondale was always particularly cruel to Jace, for no reason. Okay, well, there might be some provocation.

"And? What about her?"

"Anyway they were saying she's gone, taking some emergency medical leave or something" Jace said excitedly.

"Oh man, I hope she's okay" Alec said concerned.

"Okay? Are you kidding me. I hope she croaks."

"Jace!" But Jace just gave Alec a grin because Jace loved riling up Alec almost as much as he hated _Ms. Herondale_. _Today was a good freaking day_ Jace thought. Before he could say he was just kidding (sort of) the bell rang.

"Lit time" Jace grinned while Alec muttered something under his breath about Jace and his sociopathic tendencies. They turned together and headed upstairs. Lit wasn't in the English hall. It was actually set off from the other classrooms on account of the copious amount of books read. It was on the third floor and adjoined with a sort of library/storage room just for the books read in that one class. Upon arriving Jace and Alec noticed, along with everyone else, that Ms. Herondale wasn't there. She was always early to class and her absence as the second bell rang was a sure sign that those dumbasses in the locker room were right- Ms. Herondale was gone. Jace watched the chaos of people enjoying their freedom with a sort of triumphant gaze as if he had caused it himself. People sitting wherever the hell they want, phones out, sitting on desks. even some making out in the back. In fact most people were in the back as if they feared the disease of learning and knew it could spread to those who sat too close to the chalkboard. Jace, on the other hand, wanted to sit up front and he went to the seat closest to the teacher's desk.

"Alec, sit here" Jace said as he tapped the desk to his left. Alec scrunched up his face a little at the proximity to the front but didn't protest. Jace wasn't a nerd or anything, in fact he was the opposite. He was all gorgeous, golden looks and was amazing at literally anything he tried and he had a killer body. Not that Alec noticed or anything. Jace would be MVP of any sport he tried but he didn't try. He hated team sports. The only people Jace needed or wanted in his life were his siblings, Alec and Izzy, and his girlfriend, Clary Fray. The same went for Alec, really. While Alec did try taking part in some clubs he had his people and he was content with that. In fact, he even had a little trouble accepting Clary into their group at first but he'd grown to love her like his own sister.

Now sitting down Alec began nervously tapping his pencil on his desk. This school wasn't exactly known for hiring loving, patient teachers and Alec figured this would be no exception. And what's more is that he was in this class with Jace. Jace who loved to mess with teachers. Jace who loved to outsmart teachers. Jace who loved to talk back to teachers. Jace, the boy teachers hated. Alec didn't particularly want to be hated but he usually was through association. So, yeah, Alec was a little nervous.

Then, with a bang and what looked like a small glitter explosion the door flew open and in walked a young man. Alec's eyebrows shot up because this man was beautiful with toned arms, a captivating half asian face, bright green gold eyes as if Clary and Jace had mixed eye colors and they seemed to almost glow. His hair was spiked up and, yup, that was definitely glitter. He was wearing a silk, purple T shirt and canary yellow trousers and had a grin on his face that reminded Alec of the cheshire cat from _Alice in Wonderland_ (he only watched the movie because Izzy forced him too, just to be clear).

"Hello darlings, I'm Mr. Bane." Mr. Bane's eyes floated around the room taking in all the shocked faces and paused for a moment on a particular set of deep blue eyes. Alec flushed and looked down. With a flourish Mr. Bane picked up a piece of chalk and scrawled his name on the blackboard. Alec glanced over to Jace who looked slightly amused but for the most part seemed unfazed. Alec, however, felt his heart beating out of his sweater clad chest. _Breathe, Alec_.

"Alright so my little dumplings, I presume it's obvious at this point that your teacher is not here and probably won't be back for a while. She got into a terrible accident. Car crashes, nasty little things." Alec's eyebrows went up a little higher. The way Mr. Bane said 'terrible' and 'nasty' almost made it seem like he was amused by it. _By the angel, this guy is a total nut job._

"So, in the meantime I will be filling in for Ms. Herondale as your AP English Literature and Composition teacher. However I am not a substitute which means that you will show me a modicum of respect and not make out during class, please grope on your own time" Mr. Bane glowered at the two kids in the back who pulled apart suddenly. Glancing back at them, Alec couldn't tell if the flush on their cheeks was from the kissing or the embarrassment. Turning back around Alec saw Mr. Bane's face immediately change back into a happy grin.

"Great, now that we have that settled I am going to take attendance." Mr. Bane rifled through some papers until he found the attendance sheet.

"Ah, wonderful, okay. Harold Balz" Mr. Bane looked up at the boy who had raised his hand, his face full of pity.

"You go by Harry, don't you?"

"Yes, sir" said the boy. He was wearing a bright red letterman jacket.

"How unfortunate for you" Mr. Bane spoke sympathetically. Some people snickered, including Jace. Mr. Bane continued to read off the names and Alec listened attentively, always worried he might miss his name. Jace, on the other hand, was completely engrossed in a tattered copy of _Paradise Lost_. Then Mr. Bane reached the Ls.

"Alexander Lightwood." Alec raised his hand and Mr. Bane looked at him with a little smile as if he saw something Alec didn't yet. Usually Alec would ask his teachers to call him by his shorter name but there was something about how Mr. Bane said 'Alexander' that made his heart skip a beat. After a moment Mr. Bane pulled his gold green from Alec's blue and looked back down at the sheet, clearing his throat as if he too was affected. Alec bit down on his lip, _hard_.

"Jace Lightwood." Jace raised his hand without looking up from Milton's words. Most Lit teachers would be intrigued by a seventeen year old boy reading _Paradise Lost_ (especially when it's not on the curriculum) but Mr. Bane only looked back over at Alec.

"We're brothers" Alec said, thinking that's why Mr. Bane was looking at him. That wasn't why. Mr. Bane's eyes twinkled, and it wasn't because of the glitter.


	2. Blank Page

Previously: Mr. _Bane's eyes twinkled, and it wasn't because of the glitter._

"That's lovely" Mr. Bane replied giving Alec a small nod as if he approved of Alec's relations to Jace. Mr. Bane looked back down to his list and continued to read off the names. Alec pulled his materials out of his backpack. They were reading _The Scarlet Letter_. Well, for Alec it didn't feel so much like reading as it did feel like setting his innards on fire and burning to death painfully and slowly. Alec was sick of hearing about Hester Prynne and her terrible sin. People treated her like a pariah. Because she loved someone she wasn't meant to she was an outcast. But at least adultery was forgivable. Alec's invisible letter G was a sin that no good Christian could forgive. It was a disease Alec thought. He was diseased. It's not that Alec was religious or even that his family was. He grew up in one of the most accepting cities in the world. However, Alec's parents had grown up in a slightly stricter and much more religion oriented atmosphere. They might not carry God with them the way did before, but intolerance had been imprinted, not just into their minds, but, Alec feared, their hearts.

"Okay, so chickadees. Let's get this show on the road shall we. I plan on running class a little differently then Mrs. Herondale. Firstly, I'm not a big test giver, I think it's fairly pointless having to remember little details about a novel. Literature is about communicating a message. Whether that be in poetry, or a vignette, or an entire book- the writer is trying to tell us something. And if it is a whole book that we are analyzing there is often a lot of padding, unnecessary information. Tests have a right or wrong answer, they ask trivial questions. So, _I_ assess with essay writing." At that a little groan sounded through the classroom.

"Now, now my dumplings, this is a good thing I assure you. And much fun! Although there are time limits because class is only 45 minutes long, there is no structure that I force you to follow, there is no necessary amount of evidence you must give. Reading is not just about deciphering the author's message but how determining how it affects you. So, if you could all take out a few sheets of paper, your books, and a writing implement, I want you to write about one of Hawthorne's arguments and how it affects you." Mr. Bane flashed a grin. Some kids sat in horror-filled shock that they had to write an essay so unprepared and others were already scrambling to get out their things. Alec hated timed writings, and, more than that, he hated pop timed writings. Mrs. Herondale was not one to do anything unexpected and she didn't make them write a lot either. She didn't have the patience to read their stupid ramblings, or so she told them. And when they did write it was all very formal; they had to follow a strict 5 paragraph format that wasn't always suited for the task. Alec never had this much freedom before. He wasn't sure what to make of it. Next to him Jace was calmly writing away, his pen never seeming to lift off the paper. Jace usually failed Mrs. Herondale's essays, he never followed the format. Alec always did. Alec followed the rules. Alec did what he was told. Alec worked his ass off to do everything and be everything he was supposed to. But he wasn't enough. It was odd that such a small, random assignment could make him so afraid. With a glance at the clock, he pulled out some paper, opened up his book, and put his pen to the blank page.

Forty minutes later the bell rang like an alarm. Some kids jumped in their seats. Alec, however, had a small smile playing on his lips. It whispered _victory_.

"Okay, my cupcakes, it's time for you to hand in your papers and scram. I hope that went well as this will be my first impressions of you" Mr. Bane grinned seeing the dismayed look on his new students' faces. He's a freaking sadist Alec thought, but really wasn't all that perturbed by it. Jace had already packed up his stuff and handed in his essay.

"You coming bro?" Jace asked from the doorway

"Oh, yeah." Alec stood up, slinging his backpack on and confidently walked up to the teacher's desk. Mr. Bane smiled at him as Alec handed his paper over. Their fingers touched and something seemed to spark. Mr. Bane and Alec both looked up at each other surprised. Alec wasn't a touchy person, but he'd been alive for seventeen years and he'd never felt like that when he touched someone. It was the simplest grazing of fingers and his heart seemed to stop. After a moment he pulled his hand away hastily, Mr. Bane, now, gripping Alec's essay.

"Um, uh, have a nice day Mr. Bane." Mr. Bane's eyes were wide with surprise. _He'd felt it too. I know he did._

"Ah, yes, Alexander Lightwood, I will see you tomorrow." Alec gave a terse nodded and headed over to Jace who had a confused look on his face but didn't say anything. He knew not to press Alec. When Alec had something going on he preferred to keep quiet about it and people respected that.

But maybe, what Alec really needed, was to be pushed…


	3. Could It Be Okay?

It was Friday, glorious Friday. It had officially been two weeks since Mr. Bane had begun teaching Alexander Lightwood's AP Literature and Composition class. And as glorious as this Friday may be Alec couldn't remember ever having enjoyed school so much. Mr. Bane was a great teacher, he reminded Alec of why he signed up for the class in the first place. He inspired his students to read and write more. He reminded Alec of his passion for literature. Which is why Alec was now reading _The Great Gatsby_ while eating lunch. Well, he was until someone knocked the book out of his hands. Alec looked up at Jace with irritation.

"C' mon dude, not even I read that much."

"Yeah, have you heard a single thing we've said?" questioned Simon. Alec glared at his forced friend.

"Well, being that I'm usually not listening to anything you say, no." Alec responded vehemently. Isabelle laughed lightly.

"That was apparent from your lack of reaction when Clary and I are started talking about the amazing sex we had last night" Isabelle said with mirth.

"No, 'clary and I' weren't saying anything. Only you, Izzy, were being weird and making everyone else uncomfortable" Clary retorted.

"I wasn't uncomfortable" Simon said earning himself a punch in the arm from Jace.

"Ow, man, what the hell was that for?"

"You're talking about my girlfriend and my sister."

"She started it" Simon said, pointing accusingly at Isabelle.

"You're such a child" Izzy said rolling her eyes. She wrapped her perfectly manicured hand around Simon's still raised her finger and pulled it down, interlocking their fingers. Alec turned away from them as if the affection stung his eyes. He muttered something under his breath that sounded like 'freaks'. Jace, on the other hand, was smiling as Clary whispered something into his ear. Alec glanced down at his silver watch.

"We should probably get going, Jace." Jace looked up from Clary to Alec. He still had a small little smile playing at the corner of his lips.

"What's with the whole going to class early thing Alec? We would usually just chill in the hallway before Lit. Does this have anything to do with Mr. Bane?" Alec went bright red. Before he could stutter out a reply Izzy glanced up smiling mischievously.

"The new teacher is incredibly hot" she said pointedly at Alec. If it was possible, he flushed even deeper.

"I-uh, I haven't really noticed" Alec cleared his throat, and cocked his eyebrow at Izzy. "I've been a little too busy actually listening to what he has to say." Izzy threw a hand up to her chest, and gasped at her brother's insinuation.

"I listen!" Izzy defended. Izzy had Mr. Bane too, but for honors British Literature, which was the English class for junior year. Everyone had been a little surprised when she got in. She wasn't dumb, not at all, but she wasn't exactly known for her love of learning.

"Iz, I love you, but you do not listen in class" Alec said, cracking a smile. Izzy scoffed but even she really couldn't deny it. She was having much too fun being a beautiful sixteen year old to be weighed down by things like school. She found school easy anyway, she didn't need to listen. The funny thing was, that even though Izzy's attention was lacking in class, she was probably the most observant of the bunch. She saw things other people didn't. She payed attention to the people she cared about. So much so that she didn't really have any left for the silly things, like school and the countless boys falling at her feet. Izzy was absolutely gorgeous and everyone knew it, including her. She was head cheerleader too. And though all the other cheerleaders revered her she found that she much preferred to spend her time with Simon and her brothers and Clary. Those were her people. The cheerleaders were sweet (to her) but they were pretty empty and vapid. Simon may be a major geek but he had substance and even if Izzy didn't say it much, she loved him. Alec knew she did. He knew his sister.

"Whatever" Izzy said, "Simon, let's go make out in a janitorial closet." Clary, Jace, and Alec all look slightly disgusted. Simon just smiled and got up.

"Okay." Izzy got up and grabbed Simon's collar and tugged him out of the cafeteria. Shaking his head Alec turned to Jace.

"Can we go now?" Alec asked. Clary tugged Jace's sleeve, pulling him down to her level. She said something into his ear and Jace visibly gulped, he turned to Clary, a question in his eyes. She was smiling.

"Come on, please" she said to him biting her lip. Clary had no idea the effect that little lip bite had on Jace.

"Um, uh, yeah, let's go." Jace responded. Clary looked past Jace over to Alec.

"Can I borrow him for like five?" Jace looked at him with wide, pleading eyes.

"Sure" Alec said with slight exasperation. "I'll just meet you up there."

"Yeah" but Jace wasn't looking at him anymore. Clary gave Alec a quick 'thanks' and with a small laugh she took Jace's larger hand in her small one and pulled him up with her, leading him out of the cafeteria. Alec couldn't help but laugh at his friends. Clary might be slightly more subtle than Isabelle but he knew exactly what they were running off to do. At last Alec, too, got up from their cafeteria looking down, with mild irritation, at the mess his friends had left. _Why did they all have to go make out? Were they really so horny they couldn't have taken the time to throw out their damn lunches?_

After Alec finished clearing off the table there were still a few minutes left before the bell rang for class which meant Alec could get there early. Hurrying out of the cafeteria, Alec quickly headed over to the stairwell. The one leading up to the third floor was vacant since there was only one class up there. Alec felt his heart race as he bounded up the stairs, two at a time. He would deny it if you asked but he was always a little more excited going to Lit now that Mr. Bane was his teacher. It wasn't just that Mr. Bane was an amazing teacher, he was an amazing person. He had the most incredible stories about traveling all over the world. He was young, anyone could tell that, but he seemed to know everything. He had a light that exuded off him and Alec was trapped in it. And Alec, even though he would never EVER say it, liked to watch him. He liked the way glitter and chalk dust lifted into the air every time Mr. Bane wrote on the blackboard. He liked the way Mr. Bane's green-gold eyes glowed when he spoke about something he felt passionate about. He liked the way his arm flexed under his colorful clothes. He liked how confident Mr. Bane was, how proud he was of all his oddities. Alec liked to watch him, and listen to him. Alec liked the way Mr. Bane grinned manically. Even more, he liked the rare quiet smiles, when someone said something that surprised him. He liked it most when that someone was him.

Upon reaching the Lit classroom Alec placed his slightly trembling hand on the doorknob and twisted. With a deep breath he pushed open the door. The room was empty except for Mr. Bane, himself, who now made a habit of coming early (as did Alec). Afternoon sunlight filtered through the large windows, the mix of dust and glitter was dancing through the sunlight. It looked a little like magic.

"Alexander, early as usual, my prized pupil" Mr. Bane said with his typical worrisome grin. Alec blushed and looked to the floor.

"I doubt that" he mumbled quietly. When Alec looked up Mr. Bane was looking at him in an odd way. Mr. Bane tilted his head and smiled a little. Alec felt his heart speed up.

"Actually Alexander, there is something I would like to talk about with you."

"Is something wrong?" Alec said, concern seemed to lace his features. Mr. Bane wanted to wipe away all that concern, all that self doubt.

"No, no, not at all, Alec. In fact, something is quite right." At that moment, the bell rang. Mr. Bane's gorgeous grin returned to his face. "But I'll let you know after class, if that's alright with you?"

"Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I would love to see you- after class, that is. Yeah, I will see you, after class" Alec said stumbling over his words, looking incredibly embarrassed. Mr. Bane stifled a laugh and gave Alec a polite nod. Other kids began to enter the room and Alec ducked his head, feeling pretty idiotic, and went to his seat up front. He only looked back up when Jace threw himself in the chair next to him looking a little flushed and sort of glowy. Alec could see traces of Clary's lip gloss on the side of his neck. Jace looked at him smiling and Alec just shook his head at his brother in both exasperation and mild amusement. As more kids filed in Alec lifted _The Great Gatsby_ out of his backpack and read waiting for class to begin. When the second bell rang he put it down, giving his full attention to his teacher.

"Alright, pumpkins. First order of business, I have finished grading the essays you guys wrote a couple weeks back." The tension in the room was palpable. Mr. Bane continued cheerily "and I have to say we have much room to improve!" The whole class groaned. Alec had felt triumphant after completing that essay. Now he wasn't so sure of himself. No, he was pretty freaking worried now. And that only grew as Mr. Bane walked around the room, handing back everyone's essay… except his. When Mr. Bane returned to the front of the class and started writing something on the chalkboard Alec knew he'd been forgotten about.

"Um, Mr. Bane, I didn't get mine back" Alec said before he was even called on.

"I know" Mr. Bane said without looking away from the blackboard. Alec furrowed his eyebrows in confusion but didn't push it. _Maybe that's what Mr. Bane wanted to talk to me about after class. Maybe I really screwed it up._ Alec was prone to self-doubt. For the rest of class Alec waited in nervous anticipation, only vaguely aware of what was going on in class. The words just sort of flew in and out and around him. He couldn't focus on anything.

At last, the bell rang sounding the end of class. Alec quickly turned to Jace and told him Mr. Bane wanted to talk to him so he shouldn't wait for him. After everyone had left the classroom, Mr. Bane beckoned Alec over. Alec fisted his hand so it didn't tremble as he walked up to the desk. Mr. Bane pulled a stool over from behind him and urged Alec to sit down. Alec noticed their knees brushed. Mr. Bane turned his whole body towards the younger boy. He was smiling. _The fucking sadist can't wait to see me fail…_

"Alec, this essay", Mr. Bane began as he picked some papers off his desk, "is … remarkable." They could both hear Alec release a huge sigh. Mr. Bane chuckled.

"Were you really that nervous?" Alec bit his lip.

"Yeah, I sort of was."

"Well, you had no reason to be, because this was beautifully written, Alexander." Alec couldn't help it, he smiled. Mr. Bane's heart fluttered. He hadn't seen Alec smile, but when it did, his whole face lit up. It was more beautiful than any words he'd ever read.

"Alexander, I wanted to ask you about the argument you chose." The smile disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

"You seemed to have related a great deal with Hester Prynne, and I'm glad that you have. You talked about feeling afraid, trapped. You were impressed by Hester's ability to wear her A so proudly. Something you feel like you can't do…" Mr. Bane spoke slow. Alec was trembling again but the words began to pour out of him.

"It's just, this whole town shuns her. They dehumanize her because she was with someone she wasn't supposed to be. They can't accept it, they can't accept her stepping out of the lines because I think, for them, she represents everything that is wrong with them. They look at her and see their own flaws and mistakes and that's why they treat her like that. She holds the weight of everyone's mistakes on her shoulders and she stands up and does it with confidence. She wears her A so boldly" Alec shook his head in confusion at that, but kept going. "How do you do that? How do you still walk tall when you've got a big freaking letter on you. When everyone knows that you have sinned. When you figuratively represent human flaw-"

"But what if it's not wrong" Mr. Bane said without thinking. "Do you think what Hester did was wrong? That she deserved the way people treated her?"

"No I don't-"

"Do you think that to love is wrong?

"No but-"

"But what? What could be wrong?" At this Alec met Mr. Bane's gaze straight on. He noticed that Mr. Bane's eyes glowed. After a long moment, Alec broke away from the gaze.

"Loving the wrong person" Alec said so quietly you had to strain to hear him. Mr. Bane reached over then and put his hand on Alec's shoulder. He jerked at the touch and Mr. Bane pulled his hand back, slightly disappointed.

"Alexander, if there's something you need to talk about…" Alec looked up at that and Mr. Bane was surprised to see his blue eyes turned hard and icy with sudden anger.

"There's nothing I need to talk about" he spoke through gritted teeth, as he quickly stood up, the stool squeaking along the floor. Alec began to turn but Mr. Bane grabbed his hand, standing up with him. Everything tingled where they touched.

"It's okay, Alec."

"I don't know what you're talking about" Alec muttered trying to pull his hand free but Mr. Bane just gripped it harder.

"It's not wrong." Alec looked up at him with surprise, as he kept going. "Hester Prynne is from the 1600s, in Puritan Boston. This isn't that world." Alec looked at his teacher for a long moment, _he just doesn't get it_.

"It's not as different as you think." Alec's voice was tight. He wasn't looking at Mr. Bane, he couldn't. Not without feeling all sorts of wrong (and maybe, a little right).

"Alexander-" Mr. Bane's tone was sympathetic, but all Alec heard was pity. With a harsh yank Alec pulled his hand free from Magnus's. He turned and headed out door and slammed it shut. Quickly he made his way down the stairs, his teacher's voice playing over and over again in his head. _It's okay, Alec. It's okay._


	4. Just Some Boy

**Thank you to the guests who informed me that the third chapter got screwed up. I know I updated a lot in the past two days. I will update at least once a week, but it might not always be as much as I did this weekend. With that said, here's chapter four :)**

Magnus Bane was pacing around his apartment on a Sunday evening. He could see his reflection in the darkening window. His pink suit seemed duller in the reflection. His cat, Chairman Meow, was brushing up against his pant leg, nuzzling into him. Chairman meow liked pink. At last, the phone rang breaking Magnus Bane out of his reverie. He quickly grabbed it off the table.

"Catarina! What took you so long?!" Magnus practically yelled into the phone.

"Magnus, I was doing surgery. On a _little kid_. And while I was trying to focus on saving his life I had nurses continually coming in telling me that 'Magnus Bane' was calling and saying that it's a 'dire emergency.' Luckily, I know you well enough to realize that when you says it's a dire emergency, it never actually is. On the other hand, I had an actual emergency going on." Catarina finished bitterly.

"Now, Cat, I understand that you are some important pedi-something surgeon, but I do have a significant problem."

"Doubtful."

"Please, Cat. I need to talk to someone." There was a note of desperation in Magnus's voice and Magnus, Catarina knew, never said 'please'.

"Alright, I'll be over in five with a tub of cookie dough." Magnus felt his shoulders sag with relief. Catarina always liked to complain but Magnus knew that she would come through for him. She came through every time. Since junior high it's always been him, Cat, and Ragnor. Cat, however, was better suited for what Magnus had to talk about.

About 10 minutes later, Magnus heard the buzzer. He got up from his couch with Chairman Meow cradled in his arms.

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE GREAT PROFESSOR BANE?" Magnus shouted into the intercom.

"Firstly, you aren't a professor, you teach a bunch of obnoxious high schoolers. And, secondly, you know exactly who this is, Magnus, you called me."

"Well, Cat, you said you would be here five minutes ago." Magnus could almost see Cat rolling her eyes. He buzzed her in before she could make a snarky retort.

In a few moments, she walked into his apartment carrying a brown baggie. Magnus quickly set Chairman down.

"Gimme gimme gimme" he said as he grabbed the bag. Magnus grinned viewing the contents. He wiggled his fingers in excitement and his bright blue nail polish flickered in the low light. Catarina cracked a smile at his excitement. As Magnus pulled out the cookie dough and grabbed two spoons Catarina took off her shoes and let down her sky blue hair. It was funny: when she was in high school her parents had told her that dying her hair blue was dumb, that she would hate it, but it was 8 years later and she was still dying it the same blue. Magnus plopped himself on the couch, lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. Catarina sat perched in an armchair looking over at Magnus, slightly concerned. Or, at least that's what Magnus thought she was looming over him for, until she shot her arm out and grabbed a spoonful of cookie dough.

"Mags, what's going on?" Catarina questioned around a mouthful of dough. With a dramatic sigh, Magnus tilted his head back and looked at his forever friend. After looking at her kind, worried face Magnus laid his head back down, staring at the ceiling. There were stars on it. He had painted them there when he first moved in a couple years ago. He'd sort of been bouncing around schools, taking random maternity leaves and such. Magnus loved New York City. There were few places where a man could walk down the streets with streaks of purple in his hair, glitter around his eyes and rainbow pants, and not get a second glance. There were also some fantastic bakeries right around where he lived in the village. The only thing Magnus didn't like about New York was the lack of stars. Magnus liked things that shined and glimmered. Stars were the universe's glitter. So, he painted them on the ceiling with Cat and Ragnor's help. After a moment of quiet he began.

"There's a boy in one of the classes I teach. A beautiful boy. His eyes are the most incredible blue. And he's smart, Cat, really smart. He doesn't realize it though. He's pretty clueless about a lot of things actually" Magnus chuckled humorlessly, "and he wrote an essay for me recently. He talked about feeling like he was hiding. He's gay, Cat, and he's terrified." Cat didn't question Magnus, he was like a wizard (or a warlock?) when it came to knowing people's sexuality. He knew Catarina was pansexual before she did. "I wish I could help him but I don't know how. I know what it's like to grow up in an intolerant environment and I have a feeling he doesn't feel safe being honest. He has a brother in my class who I doubt would have any problem with it so the hostility he's afraid of must be coming from somewhere else…" Magnus trailed off. Catarina had been about to put another spoonful of dough in her mouth but she paused.

"Magnus, you have taught at quite a few high schools and I'm sure there were closeted kids there too. Why is this different?" Magnus started to play with his finger nails.

"He's different, Cat."

"He's smart with pretty eyes. Magnus, I get it. The youth and naîvety can be charming, but you're his teacher…."

"I know, Cat. I wasn't saying- I mean I don't-" Magnus let out a frustrated sound. "I just want to help him and when I tried talking about it with him Friday, I think I made him mad." Magnus twisted his face up, he was feeling sort of guilty about confronting Alexander.

"Well, yeah, Magnus, are you surprised? How did you think we was going to react?" Magnus sighed.

"I don't know what I was thinking." Magnus tucked his chin into his neck, he mumbled something.

"What?" Magnus cleared his throat.

"I have trouble thinking around him" he repeated louder. Catarina leaned back in the armchair, realizing the problem now. Magnus wasn't exactly the kind to 'have trouble thinking.' He dated, a lot. He's had relationships and was experienced with all people and all things except that- except 'having trouble thinking'. There was one fairly obnoxious girl in high school called Camille who Magnus had been head over heels for, but she turned out to be a major bitch. Magnus was always in control when he was in relationships, he didn't get carried away with feelings. He was always on his A game, with everything. If Magnus had trouble thinking straight, he was already in too deep. He'd only been teaching at the school for two weeks and _he was already in too deep_. Magnus knew that it was illegal and wrong but Cat could see that Magnus felt something for the boy with the blue eyes. Something he shouldn't feel.

"Are you going to quit?" At that Magnus looked at Catarina.

"No, Cat. I am not going to quit" Magnus said indignantly. "I can control myself thank you very much. He's just some boy." And Magnus believed that too, that he was just some boy. Or, maybe, that's just what he told himself. Cat could tell Magnus had closed himself off, she knew now that the conversation was over. Magnus might say that it didn't matter but evidence to the contrary was written all over his face. Cat usually found Magnus's drama petty and exhausting since she knew Magnus really didn't even care about it himself, he just liked the show. But he seemed genuinely distraught by this and Cat wanted to make him feel better.

"How about we watch some Audrey?" Cat asked hesitantly. Magnus perked up at that (Chairman Meow did too).

"Okay." Magnus said picking up Chairman Meow as Catarina placed _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ in the DVR. Cat sat next to Magnus on the couch and Magnus leaned his head on her shoulder.

 _He was just some boy_ Magnus promised himself, but even as he thought it Alec's blue eyes and remarkable smile danced in front of his eyes. A movie that might even be better than _Breakfast at Tiffany's._


	5. Who You Are

**Hello! This chapter does not have Magnus in it, sorry guys. It's a bit of a filler chapter but I promise it's still important. It's going to more** **clear** **define the Lightwood's family dynamic and where Alec is, in regards to facing his sexuality and facing his parents. So, please enjoy!**

Alec sat reclined in his bed pulling at the fraying ends of his bedspread. It was a calm Sunday evening and _The Great Gatsby_ was propped open on his lap. _So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past._ With a content little sigh Alec let his head fall back against the headboard of his bed. He closed the book with finality. _That was a good freaking book._ The only reason that Alec checked it out, though, was because Mr. Bane had said it was one of his favorites. Thinking about Mr. Bane made Alec pull harder at the unraveling threads. _He knows what I am. And… it's okay._ Ever since their conversation Friday, Alec had been replaying what Mr. Bane said in his head over and over again. Mr. Bane was so bold, he was so open and comfortable with being exactly who he was. He wasn't ashamed at all. He wore freaking glitter to school!

 _He's fearless._

Alec was quietly smiling as he thought about his teacher. He began humming tunelessly. However, his tune stopped short when he heard the apartment door open. His fragile smile broke.

"We're home!" Maryse Lightwood called from the open doorway. Alec got up from his bed and headed down the hallway with heavy feet. Padding down the stairs into the living room Alec turned to see Izzy already pulling Max into her arms. Alec had missed Max too. They'd been gone for a whole month this time. His parents, Robert and Maryse, were constantly jetting off to all different places for their business empire. They were the ultimate power couple. Emphasis on the 'power', not so much on the 'couple'. Because Max was only nine, he went with them and, therefore, was homeschooled. Alec, Jace, and Izzy were old enough to be left on their own. Growing up, Maryse and Robert were around a little more (about ¾ of the year rather than ½) so they got to go to a private school in the city. Robert's former friend and business partner, Hodge Starkweather would check up on them, occasionally, when their parents were out of town but it turns out that Hodge was involved in some shady business dealings and they didn't see him anymore. In fact, no one saw him much now, except, of course, his fellow inmates. But by the time that all unraveled, Alec was thirteen and deemed responsible enough to watch out for Jace and Izzy. He'd always been incredibly protective of them and now it was basically his job title.

Suddenly, Alec saw a large thing fly at him. He caught it reflexively and looked down to see Max staring up at him with curious gray eyes. His mouth was twisted into that funny little smile of his.

"Hey little man."

"Alec, guess what I got!" Alec just laughed at his little brother's excitement.

"Hmmm, I don't know… could it be comic books?"

"It's called manga, Alec" Max chastised as he jumped off his older brother and ran over to his suitcase and began pulling out volumes of _Naruto_. Alec looked up to his parents. He had already outgrown his dad but he always felt smaller around them.

"Hi dad, mom." Maryse turned away from reprimanding Izzy for her short skirt. She smiled at him but somehow it was both tight and tired.

"Have you been watching over things, Alec?" Maryse asked.

"Of course." Robert came over to him and patted him on the shoulder.

"Good job, son." Alec flushed lightly. He didn't receive a lot of compliments from his father.

"How was the flight, guys?" Alec asked looking at his parents. Maryse let out an exaggerated sigh.

"Oh, it was alright, just very looong." Maryse responded. Robert turned to look back at her.

"I'm off to bed, I have to be at the office early tomorrow morning." With a gruff 'good night' he turned and trudged up the steps. Now with his arms full of books Max began to head back over to Alec to show him what he got on the trip until he suddenly heard the practically soundless footsteps of Jace descending the stairs. Before Jace could even come down the last step Max was barreling over to him, unsteady on his feet. Alec knew what was going to happen before it did.

"Ma-" but before Alec could even get out that one syllable warning Max was falling hard on the marble floor. The books came crashing down with him. _Damnit._ Jace and Alec ran over to him as he began to wail. Jace scooped him up into his arms and brought him over to the white sofa, placing him down carefully.

"That was quite a tumble, buddy" Jace said pulling Max into his side. Alec knelt down in front of Max, his eyebrows furrowed as he rolled up Max's pant leg. Max had scraped his knee and it was bleeding a little.

"Iz, can you get me the first aid kit? Max scraped his knee" Alec called back to his sister. "You okay, Max?" Max gave a weak, tearful nod and sniffled. A few moments later Izzy was coming over with the first aid kit in hand.

"Please try not to get any blood on my sofa, Max, it was very expensive" Maryse called from their open kitchen. Alec could see Izzy rolling her eyes out of his peripheral vision. Alec opened up the kit and pulled out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide. He put some onto a cotton ball and looked up to Max.

"Okay, Max, this is going to sting a little." Max nodded, putting on a brave face. Jace was whispering something in his ear and holding his small hand. There weren't a whole lot of people Jace was tender with but Max was one of them. After Alec cleaned out the cut and bandaged it up Izzy leant forward a placed a small kiss on top of the plain band aid. For some reason that struck Alec as wrong- the plainness of the band aid. _A little kid should have superheroes or hello kitty on their band aid._ Jace lifted Max onto his lap as Alec began picking up the books. Jace was speaking softly to Max but Alec could still hear.

"You okay now?"

"Yeah, Jace, I just wanted to show you my new books."

"Well, you can still show me. How about you read to me for a little while before bed?"

"Really?"

"Absolutely." Max clambered off Jace's lap and on to the floor to help Alec finish picking up the books. Izzy had returned to the kitchen where Maryse was running a hand over her tired face while holding a steaming mug of freshly brewed coffee. Jace went over to Alec and took the stack from him.

"I'll put him to bed." Alec gave Jace a little nod. Usually Alec was the one to put him to bed but Jace and Izzy would help out too. Max went over and said goodnight to his mom and Izzy gave him a rib crushing hug and made him promise to be careful. Max then came over to Alec who was still standing in the livingroom. He tugged him down to his level and hugged his neck before Jace led him upstairs. Alec went to join Izzy and his mom at the kitchen table. Izzy had set him out a cup of coffee already.

"Thanks, Iz" Alec said as he brought the mug to his lips. Maryse was in the middle of complaining about something or another and Izzy was just nodding along sympathetically. Upon finishing her story, Maryse looked up to her children as if realizing they were there for the first time.

"How were things here?"

"Well, we got a new teacher," Izzy started. Alec could feel his skip a beat. "His name is Magnus Bane." Alec now looked over at his sister slightly surprised.

"Magnus? How do you know his first name?" Alec asked, as he mulled over the name in his head. _Magnus. Magnus Bane._

"The cheerleaders" Izzy responded as if that explained everything. It did, actually. The cheerleaders were like Izzy's little minions. They could and would find out anything for her. Alec had no idea how and, frankly, wasn't really sure he wanted to know. At 'cheerleader' Maryse had perked up a little. She had been head cheerleader at her high school and Alec sometimes wondered if that's why Izzy did it. So that she could _something_ with her mom.

"How is the cheerleading squad, Isabelle?'

"Oh, actually there's been major drama this week." Alec couldn't say he was surprised (or interested); the cheerleaders always had major drama, however, his mom was all ears now.

"So, you know Travis, right?" Izzy asked but didn't wait for a response. "Well, he's been acting really off all week and has really not been putting in his A game during practice, so I asked him what was going on after practice about a week ago and he said that there was just some stuff he was dealing with. When I urged him to talk to me he told me that he had been holding something in for a long time and was afraid to tell people because he wasn't sure how they would react. I told him that we were all here for him and he could say anything to us." Alec was looking down at the table now suddenly feeling like this story was hitting a little too close to home. He could feel Izzy's eyes on him. Maryse let out a small frustrated sound.

"Well, what was it, Isabelle? Please get to the point of your story." Izzy turned to her mom at this and steeled herself for what she was about to say.

"So, the next day he called a cheer circle and he . . . well, he came out. He's gay, mom." Izzy now looked at her mom with wide, expectant eyes waiting for her response. Alec was looking at the remaining contents of his mug trying to keep his hand still.

"This is why I didn't want to send you to a public school. There's something wrong with people like that, Isabelle. There's something wrong with people who think that's okay and I bet he doesn't have very good influences in his life." Izzy looked a little like she'd been shot. She knew Maryse was slightly more conservative but she'd never heard her say something like that. Maryse and Robert refrained from discussing their beliefs with their children. Alec stood up from the table, suddenly.

"I'm getting tired, I think I'm going to head up to bed" he said averting his eyes from Izzy. After tossed his coffee cup in the sink, he hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Alec was curled up on his side in bed with the lights off. The city lights outside his window twinkled like stars. He'd always loved the stars. It's the one thing about the city that bothered him: that there were no stars. For a moment tonight he thought he might say something to his parents, he thought he might tell them. He had kept hearing Magnus's voice in his head. _It's okay._ But now there was a new voice, his mom's.

 _there's something wrong with people who think that's okay._

Magnus thought that it was okay, and Alec thought he was perfect. There was absolutely nothing wrong with Magnus. Alec began biting at his fingernails, a bad habit he was trying to stop. Then he heard a soft knock on his door. He said nothing, just pretended to be asleep. He heard the door creak open and a sliver of light spread across the floor.

"Alec?" It was Izzy's voice, much softer than usual. "Alec, I know you're awake." Of course she did. Sometimes, Alec felt like Izzy knew him better than himself. Alec then turned onto his back. The noise made it apparent that he was awake.

"Alec, I'm sorry."

"About?" His voice sounded rough. Izzy took a moment before answering.

"About what mom said. That-that it's wrong." Alec didn't say anything for a long time. Finally, Izzy came over to the bed and sat down on the edge. She reached out and took Alec's hand. After a moment he wrapped his larger hand around his sister's dainty one.

"It _is_ okay, Alec. No matter what she says, or what dad says. The people who matter will always love you." Alec knew Izzy would always be there for him, Jace and Max too. But he wasn't so sure about his parents. And they did matter. But it felt like their love was so fragile. If Alec made one wrong move it might break. If he even stepped a little bit out the lines he would disappoint them.

"Izzy, I'm no-"

"Don't say you aren't Alec, because I know. I know you and I know." Alec took a deep breath.

"I wasn't going to deny it. I just, I can't say it, Iz. If I say it, it's real. And if it's real…" Izzy squeezed his hand to reassure him.

"We'll figure it out Alec, we always do."

"We can't change our parents, Iz." Izzy went quiet at that. The noises of the city were playing just outside his window. Sirens and horns and people. It was a constant noise, and Alec found comfort in it. Izzy spoke then.

"You can't change who you are either Alec." With that she gave his hand one final squeeze and headed out of his room stopping at the door. She turned in the open doorway, a silhouette made of light and shadows.

"I love you, Alec."

"I love you too, Iz." And then she stepped out of the room, closing the door behind her, and leaving Alec to the darkness.


	6. The Loudest Sound of All

_tap_

 _tap_

 _pitter patter_

 _honk!_

 _tap_

 _tap_

 _thud_

 _crinkle_

 _tap_

 _tap_

All the different sounds filled Alec's ears; the honking of horns from outside traffic, the crinkle of papers, the thud of a textbook being dropped onto a desk, the pitter patter of the rain against the window, the tapping of his own pencil as the eraser came down over and over again on the dark wood of his desk. He focused on them, urging them to drown out the melodious sound of Mr. Bane's voice, who was currently discussing their next writing assignment. His last interaction with Mr. Bane on Friday was still painfully fresh in his mind. He knew he'd been harsh but he was scared. Mr. Bane had only been here for two weeks and could see right through him. Alec knew he would see him again but he did his best to avoid him. Luckily, Mr. Bane didn't come off the third floor that often so there was little chance of running into him in the hallway and Alec had shown up just as the bell rang for class so there was no chance of them being alone. It was only sixth period on a Monday, but Alec's stress levels were definitely high enough to make him think it was Wednesday and wish it was Friday. Impatiently, he tapped his pencil on his desk with his other hand already on his bag. The moment the bell rang he would make a break for it. He didn't want to face Mr. Bane. Unfortunately, Alec rarely got what he wanted.

*BRRRING*

Alec launched himself out of his seat and just as he was about to push through the doorway, he heard Mr. Bane call out to him. With a deep sigh, Alec turned back around pulling his leather jacket around him, as if it could save him from the inevitable embarrassment that was about to occur. He was expecting some Mr. Bane to demand an apology or to request he speak to a guidance counselor or maybe Mr. Bane would just shout Alec's secret out right now in front of everyone (and by everyone he meant the two stragglers that hadn't made their way out of the room yet).

"You dropped your book."

"What?" Alec asked surprised.

"Your book, Alexander. You dropped it." Alec looked to where Magnus's brightly polished finger was pointing (it was electric blue, Alec's favorite color). A copy of _The Great Gatsby_ was on the floor by his desk.

"Oh, thanks" he mumbled bending down to pick it up.

" _The Great Gatsby_? That's one of my favorite books."

"I know" Alec said before he could stop himself. He winced slightly at how unbelievably pathetic he sounded. Mr. Bane, however, couldn't keep the smile off his face.

"Are you enjoying it?" Alec looked up to his teacher. Mr. Bane was probably the only person he knew that was taller than him, even if it was just by a couple inches.

"Uh, yeah. Actually, I just finished it. It was a really good." Mr. Bane's small smile grew at that.

"I didn't know you were such a big reader." _I wasn't before I met you_ , Alec thought, but this time he kept it to himself. "If you liked that book I could recommend you something else, seeing that you've already finished it."

"Sure." Mr. Bane's face lit up. Alec figured that not a whole lot of students were interested in book recommendations.

"Great, follow me" Mr. Bane said as he led Alec out of the classroom and into the adjoining bookroom. There weren't any windows in this room, just tons of book shelves. It felt pretty isolated, like a good place to play hide and seek with Max. Alec liked it. Mr. Bane expertly led him over to one of the many unlabeled shelves and pulled a book out, handing it over to Alec. The cover had a handsome, young man on it. _The Picture of Dorian Gray_ it said in neat white lettering.

"I think you'll really enjoy that. Wilde is a great writer, loves to play with language and develops very interesting characters." Alec looked up from the book, feeling oddly touched. It was just a book but it felt like Mr. Bane was giving Alec access to a whole new world.

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem." Mr. Bane didn't say anything else after that. Alec thought that was all so he began to turn back towards the door. "And, Alexander", he spun back on his heel looking up at his teacher, "I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable on Friday." Alec was about to say it was alright, but Magnus kept going. "But, Alec, you are never going to be happy until you feel _comfortable_ with yourself." Alec's mouth went dry. "I know this from experience. What you said on Friday, you were right. This world is different in a lot of ways from how it was 400 years ago, but in a lot of ways, it's also the same. It's still not always safe to be honest, but I promise you, it's better." Alec didn't want to hear this, and he didn't have to.

"You don't know me and-" _you don't know my parents_ but he cut himself off, afraid of revealing too much. Magnus kept his gaze steady.

"I think I know you better than you realize, and better than probably most of your friends."

"That's not true." _But wasn't it?_

"Alexander, I just want to help." At that Alec scoffed, his bitterness surprising even him.

"You just want to help? Fine, if you want to help then you should just stay out my business."

"Look, I know it's scary Alec but you can't keep lying to everybody." Alec began to protest, he was getting more frustrated with every passing word. "And you can't keep lying to yourself."

"Stop, just stop, it's not true! Whatever you think you know, you don't!" Alec's terror was transforming into anger.

"Me, stop? Alexander, you're the one still denying this, denying who you are! I know this because I was you! I was the kid terrified to come out once too!"

"First of all, I'm not a "kid"! And secondly, I'm not- I'm not" but Alec faltered.

"You can't even say it, can you? You're so freaking afraid of it, you're so sure of it's wrongness that you can't even say the word" Magnus was suddenly feeling targeted, as if Alec's fear was an attack against him. Alec was turning his back on Magnus, he didn't want to hear anymore of this. "Well, guess what, Alexander? I am too! Okay, I am too, and if there's something wrong with it then you are saying there is something wrong with me." Alec's voice came out very small.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you" he mumbled quietly.

"Really? Because that's what it sounds like you're saying." Suddenly, Alec turned back around throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"What do you want from me?! Huh!?" Alec practically screamed at his teacher.

"I want you to just be honest with yourself for once, Alexander!"

"Fine, I'm gay! Is that you want? I'm gay!" Alec yelled into Magnus's face as he threw the book he was holding at one of the shelves in anger. Anger at being yelled at by his teacher, at being forced to confront his sexuality, at his parents who never made him feel safe, at the whole goddamn world! and anger at himself for never being enough. Alec's chest was heaving as realization dawned on him. He'd said it, he'd actually said it.

"I'm gay." This time it came out quieter, his voice broke halfway through. Mr. Bane, Magnus, was staring at Alec in shock. Alec's eyes were wide, and watering.

" _I'm_ _gay_." His voice was barely above a whisper, but it carried all the pain of a boy who'd lived his whole life, up unto this point, as a _lie_. Without even realizing it, suddenly a hot, salty tear was rolling down his face. He didn't ask to be gay, he never wanted it. He'd been told it was a disease. He'd been told it was wrong and immoral. He doubted his parents would ever speak to him again. Alec had always been the stoic protector, the one who could face the world head on. All of a sudden, the world was a much scarier place.

"Oh, Alexander" Magnus's voice cut through the silence, and the noise. There was no pity in it, just deep understanding and something else that Alec couldn't quite name yet. Without warning, Alec felt a warm pair of arms wrap around him, covered in a purple gingham pattern. Almost as a reflex Alec returned the embrace and let his head fall onto Magnus's shoulder. He breathed in deeply. Magnus smelled like sandalwood. Alec shut his eyes and let the tears fall, knowing that there was no going back now. He could no longer pretend it wasn't real. He'd said it, out loud. And he couldn't take it back. Alec's truth was now the loudest sound of all.

 _I'm gay._


	7. And Closer Still

**This chapter is all Malec and all fluff ;)**

It was funny. After Alec had finally come out to himself, and his teacher of all people, it was like nothing had changed . . . and everything. It was such a big thing, such a huge secret. How could things not be different? He'd finally told the truth. He was finally free to be _himself_. Or at least he should be. On one hand, he'd done it. He'd acknowledged this part of himself that for so long he was desperately afraid of. It was like there had always been this darkness that surrounded his heart. A suffocating blackness that pulled on him, and when he'd said he was gay it felt like light suddenly poured in and he felt all the weightlessness of it. And a part of him knew the danger in that, a part of him knew that to think you can walk on water is to risk drowning. But he was too caught up in the light. And that's why it was funny, inside he felt so different and outside the world was much the same. His family didn't know (besides all-knowing Izzy, of course) and his friends didn't know. His city was still the same city it's always been: constantly moving and, somehow, unchanging. His world hadn't changed, but he felt like he had. And the only person who knew was Mr. Bane.

Alec didn't get close to a whole bunch of people, but it felt like Mr. Bane was one of the only person in the world who understood what he was going through. Who got it. And . . . who got him. Since, Mr. Bane first said his name Alec had felt something. But this was different. When he came out to him, he felt something shift not just within himself, but between him and Mr. Bane.

Tuesday. The day after coming out, Alec came to class early. He wanted to talk to Mr. Bane, ask him to keep his secret and explain somehow.

"Mr. Bane?" Alec asked from the doorway. The man in question looked up from grading papers.

"Alexander" Mr. Bane smiled at the sight of the blue eyed boy, "come in." Alec glided over to him with a rare grace. "How are you Alexander?" Alec looked down shyly, knowing what he was referring to.

"I'm fine." After a second, he cleared his throat. "Mr. Bane, about yesterday, I just- I wanted to say-" Alec was struggling with his words, "I just wanted to say that yesterday was a big deal for me" Magnus cracked a smile.

"I figured that" he said. But Alec hadn't really heard him.

"and I know that it's okay, I do, at least I think I do." He seemed to now be talking to himself and Mr. Bane was just a bystander to his inner monologue. "Anyway, even though I said it- to you and I suppose me too- I can't say it again, not out loud. Not to others. I can't tell people yet, I'm- I'm not ready. And I don't know when I'll be. My parents, they're, they just, they don't" Alec was getting frustrated as he searched for the words "they aren't exactly accepting people and I can't tell them because they won't get it and I just, I need you to not say anything to anyone." Mr. Bane took Alec's hand and wrapped his jewel encrusted fingers around Alec's pale ones, quieting his rambling. With a reassuring squeeze Mr. Bane was able to say it all. _I won't say a thing. I understand, it's okay._ Alec visibly relaxed under the touch.

"You have nothing to worry about Alexander." Alec looked down at his teacher, all glitter and gold.

"Okay" he breathed out, a small smile appearing on his lips. Mr. Bane returned the smile. Magnus's thumb was unconsciously rubbing small circles on the back of Alec's hand. Brilliant blue eyes bore into amber-green. The light and the chalk dust made everything seem a little hazy and all Alec could feel and think was Mr. Bane's hand on his. It had always felt like something was missing, empty and Alec could almost imagine himself whole with the quiet still air and the calming touch. Suddenly, the bell rang breaking them out of their reverie. Alec thought he heard Mr. Bane mutter something like _saved by the bell_ as he pulled his hand back. Alec came back down to Earth realizing he now had class and had forgotten the book they were reading.

"Oh, Mr. Bane, I left _To Kill A Mockingbird_ in my locker. Can I go grab it?" The question was like a sharp sting, a reminder that Alec was a student, _a_ _high schooler_ , and he was his teacher.

"Of course, Alexander." Alec gave a little nod that ended the conversation and headed to the door.

"And Alexander" Magnus called out just as Alec began to turn the doorknob. "I'm proud of you."

Thursday. Mr. Bane was speed walking through the hallway and trying to keep his coffee from spilling. He hadn't realized that there was a faculty meeting this morning until five minutes after it started because, admittedly, he wasn't great about checking his work email (I mean, no good can come of checking a _work_ email so why bother?). And now, he was practically running there because he was still fairly new and he didn't want to make a bad impression, most of his co-workers already thought him pretty eccentric. As he rounded the corner he ran right into none other than Alexander. Coffee and all. Alec bit down on his lip to prevent a cry of shock and pain from coming out.

"Oh my gosh, Alexander! I am so sorry." Magnus exclaimed as he furiously pawed at Alec's coffee soaked shirt, only helping to rub the hot liquid in.

"It's okay, Mr. Bane, really. I don't think you're helping it." Mr. Bane pulled back, realizing Alec was right. He stared at the soaked shirt. It was pretty worn out, and before Mr. Bane had sloshed his morning pick-me-up all over it, it was a faded gray-green. _I don't think there was any way to help that shirt_ Magnus thought. "So, what's with running in the hallways? You know that's against school rules" Alec added, his lip twitching up a little at his own attempt at being funny. Magnus laughed but not because he thought Alexander was all that funny. _He's just so damn awkward . . . and adorable._

"Oh, I have a faculty meeting. Well, at this point, I _had_ a faculty meeting. Here, how about you come with me back to my office and I can lend you a shirt." Alec looked down at the huge stain.

"Uh, sure." Mr. Bane gave Alec a small sheepish smile and headed towards the stairs, his office was across from the Lit classroom. Alec followed in suit.

When they came into his office, it was small, no surprise there. Alec heard teachers complain all the time about the small work space they got. However, it was dressed up a little more than most offices. Glittery purple fabrics hung from the walls and bright colorful cushions were on his chair. However, there was no window and no pictures. Usually people had pictures of their family on their desk but Mr. Bane didn't. Mr. Bane rummaged through the messenger bag hanging off his chair and pulled out a silk pink shirt. He looked up at Alec's horrified face and quickly tossed the shirt back into his bag. He searched through it some more and finally pulled out a dark blue t shirt that Magnus knew to be well fitting. He handed it to Alexander who gave him a small smile and then flushed a little realizing that to put on a new shirt meant he had to take off the one he was currently wearing. He turned slightly away from Mr. Bane and pulled the coffee stained shirt over his head averting his eyes from his teacher's. Magnus, on the other hand, couldn't take his eyes off the shirtless boy. _Wow, those abs._ After Alec had pulled on the new (and _very_ formfitting) shirt. He turned to Mr. Bane with a small, embarrassed smile, pink tinting his cheeks.

"Thank you, Mr. Bane" Alec said, holding his dirty shirt close to him.

"Alexander, I think we're past such formalities by now. You can call me Magnus."

Friday. Alec had finally finished _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. And Mr. Bane, sorry, _Magnus_ had been right. Alec had loved it and he thought Oscar Wilde was a great writer. He had wanted to go up to talk to him about it during lunch but Magnus had been talking with some teacher so he had to wait until after class to speak with him. When the bell finally rang, Alec felt himself involuntary smile since he could now talk to Magnus alone. Once everyone had cleared out, he went over to Magnus who was sitting at his desk.

"I finished it" he said. Magnus eyebrows furrowed for a moment. But when Alexander held up the book, he smiled with understanding.

"And?"

"I loved it, I love Oscar Wilde" Alexander exclaimed. Magnus smiled at his excitement.

"He would have loved you too" Magnus mumbled. But Alec didn't hear him.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. I am glad you enjoyed it. What did you think of Wilde's argument?" Magnus asked as he pulled a chair over next to him. Alec sat down in it and began talking excitedly about everything he thought Wilde was saying about beauty and art and its role in society. And as he spoke Magnus rested his head on his hand watching him. Watching the way his blue eyes shined and the gorgeous smile that lit up his whole face every time he talked about a quote he liked or a new idea formed in his mind. Magnus's calmer interjections were met with continued enthusiasm. It was beautiful to hear them speak, a mingling of the minds, so pure and enchanting. The way they fed off each other. How Magnus's thoughts were so new and untouched to Alec, and Alexander's opinions not only impressed but surprised Magnus at times. You could feel like you knew everything when teaching a bunch of high schoolers books that you've read and studied over and over but Alec made Magnus feel like he was seeing it for the first time. He cast a different light. He was silver and blue energy and Magnus yearned for it. So captivated by words they hardly noticed the small touches that would normally send shocks through them. Brushing fingers and cheeks as they huddled over the book together. Magnus's hand landing lightly on Alec's knee as he laughed at something the younger boy said. They were caught up in each other and the bell ringing took them both by surprise.

"I suppose that's all for today" Magnus said to Alec. Alec looked down at the hand that was still resting casually on his knee. He didn't want to leave. He had calculus now, which he'd never been a particular fan of but suddenly he hated it.

"Okay. Right, yeah, you probably have a class to teach."

"And I'm assuming you have one to go to." Alec let out a sigh before he stood up, slinging his backpack on.

"I do." Magnus didn't want this to be the last time he saw Alec until Monday. So, he suggested that Alec come after school and they could find him another book he might like. He lit up at the proposition.

"Yeah, okay, I'll see you after school" Alec agreed as he headed out the door. He paused for a moment, holding the door frame like he was about to turn around and say something but he didn't and, at last, he left. Magnus watched him, wishing he hadn't.


	8. We'll Figure It Out

**Hello! Two quick apologies must be made. First, I apologize to my readers because my writing is sort of shoddy in this chapter. Second, I would like to formally apologize to Alexander Lightwood for everything I put him through here (but at least you get Magnus's number in the end ;)**

 _Hey! Hey! You! You! l don't like your girlfriend! No way! No way! I think you need a new one!_

 _Hey! Hey! You! You! I could be your girlfriend!_

"Izzy, turn off the damn music!" The muffled scream came from Jace's room. The blaring music only got louder, though. Alec rolled over in bed, pulling a pillow over his head in a feeble attempt to protect his ear drums, but he landed on something hard. Lifting himself up he saw _The Catcher in the Rye_ beneath him. Magnus had lent it to him on Friday. He'd fallen asleep reading it, he only had a few more pages to go and he had wanted to finish last night but he couldn't keep his eyes open. Alec plucked his watch up from the bedside table; it was 7 am. Izzy, Jace, and him usually left for school around 7:50 and since it didn't take him very long to get ready, he might actually be able to finish before going to school. But the moment he looked down at the black ink, the painful headache he went to sleep with came back with a vengeance. Alec groaned, shoving his head back into his pillow. _No, not today, I've got a history test today._ Alec was unfortunately prone to migraines. After a moment of wallowing in self pity Alec pulled off his covers and headed over to his bathroom where he kept a bottle of advil. Grabbing the bottle out of his cabinet, he yanked off the lid and shook the pills into his hand and . . . nothing came out. _Damn it._ He'd run out. Suddenly, the door to his room burst open and in flew a very excited nine year old.

"Alec!" The name shot through him like a knife stabbing his freaking brain.

"Yeah, Max?" Alec asked from the open bathroom door.

"Could you make me pancakes? Cordelia isn't coming today and I REALLY want pancakes!" Max was used to waking up early. The person who took care of him, Cordelia Branwell, believed very strongly in waking up early and going to bed early (her guide to life was the _Poor Richard's Almanack_ , and _Cosmo_ , obviously). She also tended to spoil him a little, and would make him whatever he wanted, such as pancakes. She claimed it was just practicing her cooking skills but, Alec knew, that no one could resist Max when he did his puppy dog eyes.

"Max-" Alec began but he got cut off.

"Please, Alec! I know you don't have to be at school for awhile, so _please_ make pancakes. I know you have to feed Jace and Izzy too." Puppy dog eyes and logic. _By the angel, he's good._ And it was true, Alec was the one that fed Jace and Izzy. He did the groceries, he made the dinner, he made sure Izzy studied for her tests, and so on. Not that he minded, he liked to watch out for them. And it wasn't that Izzy and Jace were incapable of taking care of themselves, they just were a little too caught up in being teenagers to worry about eating right and staying on top of their school work. They were young and enjoying it. Alec, on the other hand, never felt like he could. He always felt like he had to watch out for them. And, even if he didn't, Alec never felt at ease, never felt like he could just be another teenager. 'An old soul' his parents used to say.

"Alright, Max, I'll make you pancakes."

"Awesome, you're the best Alec!" Max ran over and quickly hugged Alec before leaving his room. _He's probably going to harass Jace now._ Alec couldn't help it; he smiled. He'd really missed having Max around. Alec couldn't help but think that it couldn't be easy for the little guy. His parents were always jetting him off to various places, and it wasn't like Max really got a chance to see the world. He just stayed holed up in hotels with Cordelia. Wait a second . . .

"Max! Did you say Cordelia _wasn't_ coming today?!" Alec called, coming out into the hallway. Max's head popped out of Jace's room.

"Yeah, why?" Max asked. _Damn it._

"Jace and Izzy and I have school, nobody is here to watch you."

"I can watch myself."

"Max, you know I can't leave you home alone. Wait here a sec." Alec quickly went to his room swiping his phone off the bedside table and dialed his mom's number. He knew there was no way his dad would pick up if he called during the day. For him, work trumped family, every time. The phone was ringing. _Please pick up, mom._

"Hello?"

"Mom! Thank god. Mom, Cordelia is taking her day off and I've got school. Who is supposed to watch Max?"

"Just have Jace watch him." Alec rolled his eyes. He could tell his mom wasn't really listening to him.

"Jace has school, too" and before Maryse could say it, Alec added "and Izzy." Alec could hear someone talking to his mom in the background, they didn't sound happy.

"Alexander, can you just figure it out? I have to go" and with that, she hung up the phone. Alec pulled the phone away from his ear and ran a hand through his raven black hair. His head was pounding. Jace suddenly appeared in the doorway, he always knew when something was up.

"What's wrong?" Alec turned to look up at him. Jace was still wearing his 'jammies' which included an incredibly embarrassing shirt that read 'this ginger's my girlfriend' with an arrow pointing to the left. Clary had gotten it for him as a joke but he actually wore it _in public_ much to her chagrin.

"Cordelia isn't coming today, so nobody is here to watch Max."

"I'll watch him" Jace said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Jace-"

"Come on, Alec. It's not going to hurt me to miss one day of classes." He was right, Alec knew Jace was a great student, even if most of his teachers hated him.

"Alright, thanks Jace. You're a lifesaver." Jace smiled his brilliant angelic smile.

"No problem, man" Jace said as he headed out of the room. Alec let out a breath, but his relief was short lived. He still had to get ready for school and make Max pancakes.

Within ten minutes Alec had showered, dressed and was downstairs pouring milk into a flour mixture. Izzy was sitting on the kitchen table, describing Newton's second law to him and he was glancing down at her pink note cards, checking to make sure she was right. Izzy tended to leave studying to the last minute and Alec was helping her cram now for her physics quiz.

"Good, Iz." She looked at him, beaming. Izzy was very smart, but she never really believed she was.

"Really?"

"Yeah, you seem to know your stuff." She let out a happy, little sound as Alec turned to the fridge to grab out the eggs.

"Okay, well I'm going to go do my makeup now. Thanks for your help, Alec." She left the kitchen in a swish of red fabric and dark hair. Alec expertly cracked an egg and poured it into the porcelain bowl. He beat the mixture, and winced at the beating in his head, it was unrelenting. Alec shook his head lightly, and tried not to think about it. He picked the bowl up, tucking it into the crook of his arm and began to put the eggs back into the fridge when-

"ALEC!" Alec jumped in surprise and dropped the bowl. It shattered and batter went _everywhere_. He looked down at the gray eyed boy who had just came into the kitchen, screaming his name. The grin on Max's face fell, as he surveyed the scene. Jace came in, milliseconds later. It was apparent that Jace had been tickling Max and Max had screamed Alec's name as he tried to escape to escape Jace's clutches. Alec looked at the floor in shock.

"Oh shit" Jace exclaimed, seeing the diasaster. Alec shot Jace a dirty look for cursing in front of Max.

"Max, don't come into the kitchen, there's glass everywhere" Alec said as Jace pulled back their little brother. Max looked horrified at what he had caused.

"I'm sorry, Alec" the boy said.

"Come on, Max, let's go upstairs and get ready for your tutor" Jace said, grabbing Max's hand and tugging him out of the kitchen. Alec got onto his knees and began to pick up the shards of glass. He had thought that today would be a good day. He wouldn't have to see his parents and he would get to talk to Magnus. It had been such a terrible weekend and Alec had just kept telling himself that Monday would be better. Now, it was only a quarter to eight and he already felt mentally and physically exhausted. After Alec finished cleaning up all the smashed pieces and the pancake batter, Izzy came downstairs.

"We've got to get going Alec, it's 7:55" she said.

"I told Max I would make him pancakes." Alec sounded incredibly frustrated.

"Don't worry about it Alec, I'll fix him something" Jace said from the stairs. Alec looked up at him gratefully.

"Great, let's go. I have physics first period" and Alec had his history test first thing too.

"Alright" he said, slightly reluctant as he slung his backpack on. "Bye, Jace. Take care of Max." Izzy said a quick goodbye too and then they headed out the apartment door. Once in the elevator, Alec finally let his head roll back and allowed himself to wallow a little in his obnoxious migraine. Izzy was too engrossed in her flashcards to see that Alec's moonlight skin was looking a little sickly. When they came out of the building and began walking to the subway station Alec kept glancing over to Izzy to make sure she didn't walk into oncoming traffic or fall in a puddle (it had stormed last night), her eyes never seemed to leave her notes that glittered in purple ink. He was so focused on her he didn't see the spilled trash can lying in the middle of the sidewalk.

"Ahhh!" Alec let out a less-than-manly scream as he tripped over the trash and came down hard in a puddle of dirty water.

"Oh My Angels! Alec! Are you alright?" Izzy leaned down by her brother. She helped lift him up out of the disgusting liquid, god knows what was in that. Alec's cheek had a gash in it, from some sharp, broken bottle that had been hanging out in the puddle, and his pants and shirt were soaked. He looked like he'd just taken a dip in the East river. Alec let out a grunt as he sat up in the puddle. _What the hell is wrong with me today? Why am I such a klutz?_ Alec was known, hell, the whole Lightwood family was known for their grace, for the way they seemed to have complete control over their bodies, in a way that teenagers never did. However, Alec just felt off. He'd felt it since last night. Alec rubbed a hand over his face, clearing the dirt and blood out of his eyes. He took a few measured breaths and then stood up with Izzy's help.

"Alec, are you alright?" Izzy asked, concern laced her voice.

"I'm fine, Iz, let's just get to school" Alec said, wanting to put this whole incident behind him.

"Alec, you're a disgusting, bleeding mess. Go home and change." Izzy had her momma bear voice on now and Alec knew she was right. He couldn't show up to school dripping in puddle water and with blood all over his face.

"Fine, but you've got to go to school. You can't be late for your chem quiz." Alec said looking down at his wet watch. Izzy gave him a worried look but nodded her head.

"I'll see you at lunch" she said, pity in her eyes. It was pretty obvious to everyone that Alec was not having a good morning. With a hasty peck to his cheek (the one that wasn't bleeding profusely), Izzy turned and hurried to the subway station, the light wind lifting up her red dress a little and making it flutter.

It was sixth period on a Monday and Magnus was not a fan of Mondays. They were long and stressful and the end of a Monday just meant the rest of the week was left. However, there was a teeny bright spot in his day and that was sixth period when he got to see Alexander Lightwood. Alexander usually came early to his class so they could talk alone so Magnus was a little surprised when the bell rang for sixth period and Alexander still hadn't arrived. Neither had his brother. _Maybe he's not coming today. Well, this is officially the worst Monday ever._ But five minutes into the period when Magnus had begun to lecture the class about paying attention to the diction of Seamus Heaney's poetry, a mess of dark clothes and dark hair and bright blue eyes came barreling through the doorway.

"Alexander?" Magnus said in concerned surprise. There was a large bandage on his cheek. When Magnus recognized his overly affectionate tone, he cleared his throat and allowed his amber eyes to go hard. "Nice of you to show." Alexander bit down on his lip and his cheeks flushed. It made Magnus's heart flutter a little. _Why is he so damn cute?_ From Alec's labored breathing and dishevelled look (more so than usual) it was clear that something was wrong. "See me after class, Mr. Lightwood." The class made an obnoxious "oooh" sound and Alec's blush deepened. Magnus bade him to sit down while handing Alec a copy of "Blackberry Picking." Typically, Alexander was vocal in class, but he was oddly quiet today. He seemed incredibly distressed Magnus noted. When the bell finally rang, Alec just sat there with his head down until all the other students had left. Then he looked up at his teacher who was leaning against his own desk, watching him. Alexander got up and came over to him.

"I'm really sorry for being late, Magnus." Magnus loved the way Alexander said his name. Clearly, Alexander actually thought Magnus had been mad at him. But he wasn't, he was just worried.

"Alexander, I don't care that you were late. I care that when you came in you looked like you had just run a brutal marathon. And I care that your face seems to have been introduced to a shredder. And I care that something seems very wrong" Magnus spoke so tenderly it almost made Alec's heart melt.

"It's just been a bad day, I guess" Alec said as if that cleared up everything but Magnus just looked at him, waiting. "I guess it's been a bad couple of days. It's just, my parents are in town right now and I guess it's been stressing me out a little."

"Oh, so it's stress that's been clawing at your face?" Magnus said sarcastically.

"I fell." That was all Alec said. Magnus shut his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. _Why is it so hard for him to express himself?_

"Alexander, I am your teacher and you were late for my class, could you please explain yourself." Alec looked away for a moment, he didn't just seem stressed, he seemed angry.

"Well, when I woke up this morning I found out that there was no one to watch my little brother, since, of course, my mother forgot that the nanny was taking a day off, and it's not even like she really cares what happens to him." Magnus was taken aback by Alec's bitterness. "And, anyway, that's why Jace isn't here, he's watching Max. But that's not even the bad part, no, because then I was trying to make pancakes for Max because he really wanted them and, of course, Jace and Izzy would just starve themselves if I didn't practically force feed them. But then I dropped the bowl and it shattered. And I didn't have time to make the pancakes because by then Iz and I were going to be late to first period and we both had assessments this morning. But, of course, I fell into a freaking puddle! And I landed on a stupid pile of garbage that had broken glass in it which is why my cheek is all cut up and I was late! Late enough to entirely miss first period! So, I had to do that ridiculous test during lunch and that's why I was late to your class because I was the finishing the damn thing!" Alec's chest heaved as he finished his story, except he hadn't. "And all this isn't really the problem, the problem is that my head is pounding, and my parents blame me for Izzy's grades and Jace's insubordination, and I have to take care of Max and get harrassed about not dating any girls and listen to my mom and her stupid fucking opinions!" Alec was screaming at this point. "We were walking down the street yesterday and we passed two guys holding hands and she looked at them like, like they were scum and not even like regular earth scum like scum from Hell! And this stupid migraine won't go away and I feel like this would be really good time for the Earth to just stop spinning!" Magnus suddenly took note of how pale Alec was. A hand darted out as he reached to touch Alec's forehead, it was burning.

"Alexander, you have a fever." Alec looked at Magnus like that was a foreign concept. Then, he just shook his head lightly.

"I don't, I can't." Alec then looked up towards the ceiling as if he was trying to keep himself together, as if he was trying to keep himself from crying. Magnus reached out again and placed his jewel encrusted hand against Alexander's cheek, gently pulling his face down to look at his own. He rubbed his thumb against the clammy skin and Alec shut his eyes with the sensation.

"Alec, look at me." His eyelids fluttered open to reveal the ocean blue beneath them, Magnus's heart skipped a beat. "Everything is going to be fine. You're going to be okay. We'll figure it out." Alec then nodded but his eyes were red rimmed and his breath was shaky. Magnus pulled Alec into his arms and held him. Alec hugged Magnus back, dropping his head to his shoulder, leaning his face into the crook of his neck like it was natural, like he always did it.

 _We'll figure it out._

After what felt like a long time Magnus released Alec and turned to write something on a piece of paper. When he held it out, Alec saw it was a phone number.

"You can call me whenever you're having a bad day, okay?" Alec looked at him surprised but reached for the paper, nonetheless.

"Thank you, Magnus. I should probably go. Ms. Snyder wasn't thrilled with me the last time I skipped study hall."

"Okay" Magnus said giving Alec a small smile. As Alec turned to walk out the door Magnus called out to him.

"And Alexander" Alec looked back at him with an expectant face, "stay home tomorrow, teacher's orders." Alec nodded his head reluctantly and headed out the door.

 _We'll figure it out._

" _We."_


	9. Stars and Sin

**There's a poem discussed in this chapter. You don't need to read it to understand but in case you want to, just look up "Black-berry Picking" by Seamus Heaney.**

Magnus was reclining on his couch, holding a flute of an odd purple liquid that glimmered. It looked a little like the milky way galaxy with billions of stars. However, Magnus was not enchanted by it. He was mindlessly rubbing the back of Chairman Meow who had taken up residence on his lap. Magnus looked bored staring through the large window that overlooked the city. There were no parties to go to tonight, not that he was all that interested in partying, or doing anything, really. He almost wished that it wasn't the weekend, that he had work. Recently, it's just felt like all of the things that were usually of the utmost importance to him didn't matter so much now. Magnus shook his head lightly. He was just having trouble focusing lately. It's not a big deal, everybody's hormones can occasionally get out of whack. Even when you're an accomplished _adult_. Magnus lifted the glass of galaxies to his lips. Just as he was about to take another sip his phone rang. Quickly putting the glass down, he grabbed his phone off the coffee table and picked it up, thanking the angels for something to distract him from his thoughts of . . .

"Hi."

 _Alexander._

"It's Alec, er, Alexander. Lightwood. I'm in your sixth period class." Magnus's brows shot up in surprise. But only for a moment.

"Yes, Alexander, I know who you are" Magnus said as he tried to fight the smile that was breaking out on his face. It was funny; Magnus was, for obvious reasons, surprised by the call (when he gave Alexander his number, he didn't really think he would have the courage to use it), but it seemed like Alexander was a little surprised too, like he hadn't expected to do it. As if his fingers had moved on their own accord. "Why are you calling?'

"Um, well" Magnus could hear Alec clear his throat on the other end, "I'm calling because you gave us this writing assignment on Heaney's poem and I am having a little trouble understanding his message." Not exactly what Magnus was hoping for, but he'd take it. "And since you're my teacher and it's your job to teach me this and you're the one who ordered my absence the day you went over it in class, I think you have to help me with it. "

"Oh, do you?" Magnus responded flirtatiously. He was pretty sure Alexander could hear his smirk.

"Yes, yes I do." Magnus threaded his long fingers through Chairman's fur.

"Alright then, how about you come over to my apartment if you're not too busy and I can work through the poem with you" Magnus suggested. He awaited Alexander's response, feeling slightly anxious. The few seconds of hesitance seemed to drag on for minutes.

"Okay." Magnus suddenly couldn't help the grin that sprang on to his face. He gave Alexander his address and said goodbye and hung up. He looked down at Chairman who was nuzzling into his hand.

"Alexander's coming over, Chairman Meow. I think you'll like him very much." Although, Chairman wasn't exactly known for being friendly. Then he leaned down a little and whispered "He's the one with the blue eyes."

Magnus was waiting by the intercom when Alec buzzed in.

"IF YOU ARE NOT A FAILING STUDENT THEN HOW DARE YOU DISTURB THE GREAT MAGNUS BANE."

"Well, I'm not failing so- Wait, am I?" Alexander actually sounded a little worried, but Magnus could only laugh.

"No, Alexander, you are my very best student."

"Can I come in?" Magnus could detect Alec's shy smile in his voice. Magnus was all a little too excited to oblige.

After buzzing Alexander in Magnus quickly checked his glittering spikes in the mirror by the door. Then he opened the door to Alexander's beautiful face. _Stay calm, he's a seventeen year old boy for god's sake._

"Alexander, welcome to my humble abode." Alec looked at the fuschia couch and brightly colored walls and the glittering stars on the ceiling.

"Humble?" he muttered. Feeling a warm pressure against his ankle, he looked down at the cat that was nuzzling up to him.

"That's Chairman Meow" Magnus explained, but confusion was written across his face. "He doesn't usually like strangers, in fact, normally he's pretty frightened by them." Chairman, however, was purring as he rubbed up against Alexander. Alexander got down on his knees and petted the cat who responded to him by curving into his hand. _Lucky cat_ , Magnus thought.

"I like him." Alec said looking up at Magnus with a small smile, then he looked back down to Chairman Meow. "We had a cat, briefly. Well, I guess technically we never really had him. Jace and I took him home once, thinking he was a stray. My parents hated him, but Jace wouldn't let them take him away unless they found the owner, so they did. A man named Jem Carstairs. Jace cried so much" Magnus noticed Alec's voice shift, getting quieter, like he was more of reflecting on the experience, than relaying it. "I don't think I've ever seen him cry, not since that day…" Alec then came back to reality, looking up at Magnus's kind face. "Sorry, Jace would probably kill me if he found out I told his Lit teacher about that." Alec seemed a little worried at the thought.

"No need to fret, Alexander. I'm not going to harass your brother about crying over a cat. Hell, I do it everyday, isn't that right Chairman?" Magnus said as the kneeled down next to Alec and scratched Chairman behind the ear. Alexander laughed next to him. Magnus looked over at him, pleasantly surprised. "So, I must ask, why is that you are doing homework on a Saturday night? Don't you have something better to do?"

"Honestly, not really. I don't go out much."

"And why not? Handsome boy like yourself, you should be 'living it up', as they say." Alec flushed at being called 'handsome.'

"I don't know, that's never really been me. I'm not exactly Mr. Popular. I guess I'm just not really concerned with the things that the people at school are worried about."

"An old soul" Magnus contemplated. Alec looked up at Magnus then, his bottom lip was caught in between his teeth. Their eyes locked and they stayed like that for a moment, until Magnus broke the stare and stood back up. "So, you said you needed some help?" Magnus asked, his voice sounding strained.

"Oh yeah" Alec stood up too, "I was wondering if we could go through the poem, I'm having a little trouble understanding it."

"Absolutely, did you bring it?"

"Mmhmm." Alec reached into his back pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. One of Magnus's eyebrows quirked up a little.

"No notebook? Or pencil or anything?" Alec's cheeks reddened.

"I sort of rushed out of my house."

"Did you?" Alec's blushed deepened, realizing the false implication of his words.

"Um, yeah, Izzy and my mom were waging a war over the cut of her dress, or something. It was getting ugly, so I got out of there as fast as I could."

"Isabelle Lightwood? I have her for British Literature. Impeccable fashion taste" Magnus commented. "Well, no need to worry, I'm sure I have a pencil somewhere. I am an English teacher after all. I'll be right back. Sit, make yourself comfortable." Alec nodded as Magnus disappeared down the hallway. Alec went over and sat down on the purple-pink couch. He began to reread the words on his crumpled piece of paper when Magnus returned with two pencils and two books of poetry. Upon closer inspection Alec realized they were the exact same book.

"You have two copies of the same book?"

"Well, when people learn that you became an English teacher and, yet, they have no concept of the English language themselves, they tend to just buy whatever amazon first suggests and give you that as a gift." Alec laughed a little taking one of the books out Magnus's outstretched hand. Even if the buyer was incompetent it was a lovely book. White leather and gold lettering that promised beautiful verses within. "You can keep that." Alec looked up at Magnus in surprise.

"Oh, no, I couldn't."

"Don't be silly, Alexander, what am I going to do with two copies of the exact same anthology" Magnus reasoned. Alec glanced down at the book and smiled.

"Thank you, Magnus."

"It's no thing. Now, I believe 'Blackberry-Picking' is on page 35" Magnus said as he flipped through his own volume. Alec saw writing all over it.

"You write in your book?" Alec asked, slightly appalled.

"Why, of course, where else am I supposed to write down all my brilliant ideas?" Alec had never, _ever_ written in a book. He didn't believe he had a right to. It's not like he could possibly write or think anything worthy enough of being in the books he read. "Alright, so what are you having trouble with?" Magnus's question broke Alec out of his reverie.

"Oh, well, I'm having trouble understanding what his overall tone is. It seems like it is a happy childhood memory that he is reflecting on, but then he talks about the blackberries rotting."

"Well, yes, we would think that blackberry-picking as a child is a happy memory. But even in this first stanza his tone isn't really nostalgic. You have to pay close attention to his diction. For example, even though he calls the blackberry juice sweet, he also describes it as 'summer's blood.' See? So, even in these first couple lines we're supposed to get a sense that something is not quite right." Alexander nodded with understanding. "Do you notice any other tone words that suggest this?" Magnus prompted, trying to teach, rather than tell. Alec looked down at the poem for a moment and then looked back up Magnus, who was slightly surprised by how close they were to each other.

"'lust'?" Alec asked quietly. Alec's eyes flickered down to Magnus's lips before meeting his gaze again. "Blood and wine and lust. It's sort of contradictory." His voice was low and soft and Magnus could feel his heart beating against his chest.

"How so?" Magnus whispered back, caught up in Alec's darkening blue eyes. He felt himself move forward involuntarily.

"Well, it's supposed to be this innocent, childhood memory, but it all sounds . . . _sinful_." Magnus felt the room go still as if anticipating his next action. Alec bit down on his lip, drawing Magnus's attention towards it. They looked so soft, so _kissable_. Alec moved closer towards Magnus. Their noses practically touching. It had begun to rain but Magnus couldn't hear the pitter patter on the window or his cat meowing or a single one of the tens of cars down below. All he could hear was the music of his and Alec's heartbeats as they seemed to join together, and become one. One heart. Magnus felt his eyelids get heavier as he brushed his nose up against Alec's, moving impossibly closer. His lips began to slowly part, just as Chairman Meow jumped on his lap, causing them both to gasp with surprise. Chairman was scratching at his thigh and Magnus was looking down at him confused. Alec too seemed disoriented. All the noises came back, the honking cars and sirens of ambulances in the distance and the rain. The rain.

"Oh, um, Chairman is afraid of rain" Magnus explained to Alec. But he was looking down at Chairman, the realization dawning on his own face. Alec was still coming back to earth.

"Oh." Alec swallowed and shook his head a little as if shaking away the moment. Magnus couldn't look at Alec, too afraid of what he almost let happen. How could he have let it get that far? He was worried that if he looked at the gorgeous boy sitting next to him, he wouldn't be able to stop himself. _It's wrong, this is so wrong._

"Maybe you should go, Alec" Magnus took a big breath of air, hoping it would clear out the fog. He kept his eyes cast downward and couldn't see the hurt look on Alec's face. Alec stood awkwardly.

"Alright, I'll, um, I'll see you uh Monday." Alec began to head towards the door, but upon reaching it he stopped and looked up at Magnus's ceiling. Magnus was still staring at the cat in his arms, waiting to hear the door click shut.

"You have stars on your ceiling" Alec stated, as if it wasn't the most obvious thing in the world. Magnus kept his eyes glued on Chairman.

"I know" Magnus responded, his voice distant.

"I've always loved the stars. It's the one thing about the city that bothered me:" Alec's voice, too, sounded quiet and far away, "that you can't see the stars." And with that, Alec opened the door and left. Magnus still sat on the couch but he looked up now at that stars painted on the ceiling. His face was a mix of emotions: confusion and fear and surprise and something he wasn't ready to name. _Stars. . . that's exactly why I painted them._ And suddenly, a hundred different images hit Magnus all at once. Alec's smile lighting up his whole face, Alec's laugh at Magnus's idiotic jokes, Alec's bright blue eyes filled with wonder in class, Alec biting his lip, Alec's face when he came out, Alec saying his name for the first time, Alec's blush growing across his cheeks, Alec, Alec, _Alexander_. Magnus couldn't remember feeling like this, he couldn't remember feeling so incredibly lost in a moment, consumed by one. single. person.

 _Alexander._

Magnus stood up so suddenly Chairman let out a hiss as he was dropped to ground, but Magnus didn't notice. His mind was on one thing only. He quickly ran towards his apartment door, throwing it open. He almost lost his footing as he scrambled down the stairs. Reaching the landing he ran over to the door for the entire apartment and yanked the handle back heading out into the rain. It was coming down heavier now and the darkness of night made it harder to see but Alec's form was clear, a little ways down the sidewalk. Magnus's breath seemed to stop as he ran to Alec and caught his arm. Alec jumped slightly in surprise but had no time to react when Magnus pushed him up against the brick wall of a building. Magnus heard Alec's sharp intake of breath just before his lips came down on the boy's. At first it was a hard, firm kiss as if something had completely overcome his body. He seemed unrelenting against Alec's mouth. But when Alec's eyelids fluttered shut and began to kiss back it seemed slower and deeper. Their lips pulled on each other's, as if even their bodies never wanted to let the other other one go. The rain was still coming down hard around them but they didn't notice. Magnus stumbled forward a little as Alec pulled him in. Their bodies fitting together like puzzle pieces. Magnus's hand were caressing Alec's cheeks as his lips caressed Alec's lips. He let his hand fall to Alec's waist, his fingers slipping under Alec's soaked shirt, his hands gliding over him. Their bodies clung to each other the way wet clothes cling to skin. When Magnus finally pulled his head back slightly, he was panting. Alec's eyes were still closed, his lips were slightly swollen. His eyelids opened to reveal dark blue orbs full of wonder and lust.

"That was my first kiss" Alec said, the words flowing out of his parted lips. Magnus's amber eyes seemed almost black. He closed his eyes and leaned into Alec, their noses touching. The weight of the rain pulled Alec's eyes closed too.

"How about a second?" Magnus whispered to him, and with renewed force Alec and Magnus's lips crashed together again as the rain fell down around them. Alec's hands pulled at Magnus as if he was oxygen and Alec was suffocating. They kissed like the world was falling down around them and this was all that mattered. They grabbed at each other's skin with a desire that neither of them had ever known. They needed one another more than they needed breath.

 _It was positively sinful._


	10. Kissed

**This chapter is basically me playing with stream of conscious and first person. It's Alec and Magnus's thoughts after the kiss. If you want to imagine this in some sort of context I would say that they're probably both just lying in their own (** **separate) beds thinking about the kiss. Alec is the first passage, Magnus is the second.**

 _OH MY GOD. That happened. That actually happened. A boy kissed me. I kissed a boy! I kissed my teacher! That shouldn't have happened. I know that- that was wrong. Of course it was wrong. It was illegal, it was my teacher. It was_ Magnus _. Wow, I think my parents would never speak to me again if they knew I kissed a boy, but . . . . wow. That was amazing. I feel like I broke every rule in the universe and it felt so freaking good. Magnus must have a lot of experience. Wait, but what if I was bad? Is it possible that it could have been good for me but bad for him? Maybe I suck at kissing, maybe that's why he wanted me to leave. But how could we have just done the same thing and for him not to feel it. He had to have felt that. How incredibly right it felt. Maybe that's just how it feels when you're gay and you kiss a boy. Y'know, like that's how it's supposed to feel. But, I don't know, everything that felt right had to do with Magnus. The softness of his lips, his hands wrapped around me, his body against mine, his hair plastered to his face, and his eyes. Those eyes. They seemed to glow. People glow when they're enjoying something right? He must have felt it too. I know he did._

 _I think I just kissed my student. Yup, that definitely happened. I definitely kissed a seventeen year old boy. Why do I stupid things? But, man, do stupid things feel goood. I think I might be a hedonist. And, frankly, I'm not sure I care so much at the moment because wow, that was incredible. My lips are still tingling. I can't remember ever feeling this, this- alive. Oh, God, Alexander. The way he looked when he said that was his first kiss. His beautiful blue eyes wide and full of wonder. It nearly made my heart break. He's so beautiful, so incredibly beautiful. By the angels, I have kissed some talented people but that, that was something else. His grip was so strong. He seems so timid but when he knows what he wants, man oh man. It's not even that he was exactly 'good at kissing' perse, but he's so passionate that you just get lost in him. He's so adorable and young . . . young. He's freaking young! I think I just assaulted a minor. Did that count as an assault? That was illegal, that was definitely illegal. I'd lose my job if anyone found about that. I mean I'm not all that crazy about that school and everything. The other faculty members are bastards, frankly. But I don't want to lose my job and I don't want to go to prison. I'm a 'predator.' That's what people would call me. That's what his parents would say. Because he lives with his parents! I can't do this. I can't let that ever happen again. That, God, that was amazing, but it was wrong. I, I took advantage of him. At least in the eyes of the law that's what happened. God, what the hell is wrong with me to have done that. Why did I do that? He was just- he's just so gorgeous. And that felt so incredibly right, but I know it was wrong. I was wrong to do that. It was wrong. It can't ever happen again._


	11. Hear My Heart Crack

The weekend was over. Finally. It was Monday which means Alec would see Magnus. _Magnus._ Just the name gave him butterflies. He was so excited he couldn't focus at all during chemistry, which was right before lunch. And right after lunch was AP Lit. Which meant in less than two periods he would get to see Magnus. Magnus with his cute hair and cute eyes and cute glitter fetish. Alec had a small smile playing on his lips as he thought about the man he had kissed only two nights ago. In the background his teacher was muttering something about hydrogen bonds and attraction. _Attraction._ Alec couldn't help but think about how he finally understood that word. He never really got it when his brother and sister would go off to make out with their significant others in closets or when girls would ogle at him. But he got it now. He understood what it meant when you saw someone and your heart sped up a little and you felt things in places you knew you probably shouldn't. " _. . . attraction"_ he let out quietly, without even meaning to.

"What was that, Mr. Lightwood?" Mrs. Penhallow asked, disrupting Alec's train of thought. Alec looked up startled and then flushed a deep scarlet realizing he had said that out loud. He slid down in his seat, as the class snickered.

"Uh, so-sorry." She raised her thin eyebrows at his stuttering, half-hearted apology.

"Would _you_ like to explain hydrogen bonding to the class?" Alec's heart was hammering against his chest and it wasn't in a good way.

"Uh, um, no. I'm- uh- I'm good." Mrs. Penhallow eyed him for a moment and then spoke again.

"Alright then, I hope there will be no further interruptions in that case."

"No, ma'am." Alec said firmly, his face was beet red. Mrs. Penhallow turned back to the board, and continued with the material. Alec sat in embarrassed silence for the next twenty minutes, wishing for the bell to ring. When it finally did, he released a huge sigh of relief and rushed out of there before Mrs. Penhallow could call him over.

Alec hurried to his locker and started getting out his things for Lit. He probably should go to lunch, since he knew his friends were beginning to get a little suspicious of him skipping all the time but he wanted to see Magnus way too much to really care about being suspicious. After shutting his locker, Alec threaded his way through the crowd to the stairwell that led up to the third floor. He practically skipped up the steps, taking them two at a time. When he came to the door of the classroom he looked through the window to see Magnus Bane sitting at his desk bent over his papers. Alec could no longer repress his grin as he opened the door and headed in. Magnus looked up when he heard the door open.

"Hi" Alec said shyly. He had on that smile, the one that lit up his whole face. It made Magnus's insides turn to mush but Magnus knew he had to stay composed. Alec came over to his desk and placed a hand over one of Magnus's, making him feel all warm and tingly, he was biting his lip in that adorable way he did. Magnus pulled his hand back, though. He wouldn't let Alec's adorableness distract him from had to be done. _I just can't look at him._ Magnus looked down at his papers and took a deep sigh. He would just rip the bandaid off.

"Alexander" Magnus began. His tone made that pretty, little smile on Alec's face fade. "What happened Saturday night, what I did-"

"What _we_ did" Alec corrected, his eyebrows furrowed. Magnus looked up upon hearing the forcefulness of his voice.

"Alec. What _I_ did was take advantage of you." Alec took a step back, he looked as if Magnus had just slapped him across the face.

"What?" Alec practically shouted, completely shocked.

"I said" Magnus spoke more slowly this time "that I took advantage of you." Anger and incredulity were written all across Alec's face.

"What the hell are you talking about?! ' _You took advantage of me_ '? Like I'm some weak kid that got molested by a perv on the playground? I kissed you too!"

"In the eyes of the law that doesn't matter"

"'The eyes of the law'?! What about in the eyes of _you_?! Huh!?" Now, Alec's anger was being replaced with sudden desperation. Desperate to know that _he felt it too. He had to have felt it too._ "What was it to _you_?" Magnus looked up into Alec's shining blue eyes.

"It was-" _wonderful, amazing, earth shattering, all of the above?_ They all fit the bill but he couldn't say any of those thing, because it didn't matter. It wasn't important. "Wrong." Alec shook his head in disbelief, his face contorted in pain. One of Magnus's hands were gripped around a pencil, his knuckles whitening as he restrained himself from standing up and throwing his arms around the boy.

"No, no, I refuse to believe that's what you feel. You don't feel that it was wrong, you don't. You can't."

"Alec-" Magnus tried to interject but Alec wasn't ready to stop.

"You can't because I don't. I don't feel like it was wrong. Maybe in my head I know. I get that it-" Alec paused, he looked as if the words tasted bad in his mouth "that it's illegal. I know that it puts your job in danger. I'm not an idiot. But in your heart, in _your heart_ , you can't tell me it was wrong. Tell me. Tell me did it feel wrong in your heart?" Alec's eyes were wide and pleading. A look that should have made him seem young, but his determination and honesty made him seem more mature than Magnus. Magnus who wanted to run from the problem. How do you lie to a face like his? To a boy like that?

"No, Alexander, it didn't feel wrong. It felt . . ." Magnus trailed off, shaking his head a little and looking out the large window to his left, as if he could find the words to encompass what he was feeling in the gray clouds and endless skyscrapers.

"How did it feel?" Alec's voice sounded deeper, huskier, and more persistent.

"It felt like being _reawakened._ " Magnus admitted, the words pouring out of his lips as if he had no control over his own mouth. Alec's breath hitched at the admission.

"So-" Alec started only to be quickly interrupted by Magnus.

"But that doesn't change anything" Magnus said turning his head sharply towards Alexander. His green-gold eyes were hard. "It doesn't make it legal, it doesn't make it justified, it doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it means something."

"No" Magnus voice was firm. Even _harsh_. When Magnus saw the pained look on Alec's face he felt his chest hurt. "Alexander, this cannot happen ever again. We will not speak of it ever again. I am your teacher and you are my student. That's it." Alec was willing himself to hold it together. _I will not cry in front of Magnus, I won't. If I do it just proves I'm the child he thinks I am._ But Alec could hear the rawness in his voice when he repeated Magnus's words back at him.

"'That's it'?" He looked so utterly broken that Magnus wanted to take his hand but he knew that would just send the wrong message. He couldn't look at Alec. He couldn't look at that boy who he felt such strong feelings for be torn down by himself. So Magnus just looked straight ahead.

"That's it" he said, his voice barely above a whisper. He felt Alec staring at him but Magnus couldn't bring himself to look at Alec so he just kept staring straight ahead until he heard the classroom door slam shut. Then, he dropped his head into his hands and tried to breathe. _Breathe, Magnus, just breathe._

Magnus managed to somewhat recompose himself by the time the bell rang for sixth period. Alec was in this class sixth period but by the second bell he hadn't shown. Magnus expected him to be a little late but he was a little surprised that Alec never showed up at all. Even Jace seemed to be sort of confused. _But of course Jace would be confused, he doesn't know that I just tore his brother's heart out of his freaking chest._ Magnus tried to carry on as usual but even as he talked about dynamic and static characters and whatnot, he wasn't really hearing what he was saying. The pencil he had been gripping before was now in two pieces lying on the ground at his feet, looking lifeless and limp. The cold words he had said to Alec were on a constant loop in his head.

 _That's it._

And Magnus swore he could feel his own heart crack.


	12. Like 1, 2, 3

**Hi guys, I am very sorry for such a long wait in between updates. Also, AP testing is starting, so it is going to be a couple of weeks before I am able to update again, but I'll do what I can. Thank you for the endless patience.**

The sun had just disappeared behind the skyscrapers and a calm low light now filled Alec Lightwood's room. Outside, the gray clouds that had filled the sky only hours before were cleared away and the sky was filled with that pretty dark blue mist that only came with dusk. Everything seemed so entirely soothing, Alec couldn't help but darkly chuckle at it, because in his heart a war was raging. He felt like a fool, he felt like he'd been lied to, maybe a little like he'd been used, and he most certainly understood the term 'heart break' now. _Magnus is able to teach me so much, huh? Plot devices, and rhetorical analysis, oh, and how it feels when somebody's torn your heart out of your fucking chest._ It wasn't that Alec didn't understand the gravity of the situation, but Magnus had kissed him and now he's the one saying it was wrong? If the situation had been different it might not have hurt so damn much, but Alec had _just_ come out to Magnus, and Magnus alone. He might be the only person he felt that comfortable with. Magnus had been the one to tell him it was okay, that he didn't need to be afraid of his feelings. Magnus was the one who forced Alec to confront those feelings. Magnus was the one who made Alec think that it was _okay_ to feel so incredibly right when kissing a man, when kissing him. And then he turns around and says it's wrong. Just like that. Like everything he had told Alec about it being okay, about it feeling right, had been a lie. Alec released a loud sigh. He had been so furious that he had skipped out on the rest of his classes and gone straight home. He had never done something like that, but he couldn't bear the thought of facing Magnus again after being thoroughly humiliated. Suddenly, Alec heard a light knock on his bedroom door.

"I'm busy" Alec said as he laid on his back with nothing to do but grovel. Alec figured it was Maryse or Robert needing something from him and, for once in his life, he wasn't interested in complying.

"Alec, c'mon man, we both know that's a lie." It was Jace. Alec was a little surprised, since Jace _never_ knocked. A few mildly embarrassing incidents had taught Alec to start locking the bathroom doors.

"And how is it that 'we know that'? Hmm?" Alec mused feeling petty. "For all you know I could be finding the cure to Alzheimer's or learning nuclear physics or leafing through one of your play boys." Alec heard Jace let out a little noise of frustration and enter the room regardless of Alec's lame protests.

"Oh, haha, you're so funny. And who needs playboys when you have a gorgeous girlfriend and snapchat" Jace smirked.

"TMI" Alec said finally sitting up on his bed so he could see Jace.

"You started it." Alec just gave his signature eye roll and said nothing, so Jace decided to bring it up first. "Where were you in Lit today? And you know, the rest of our afternoon classes?" Alec tensed slightly.

"I was feeling sick" he said in a monotone voice, as if he sounded bored of the conversation.

"Oh, really, 'cause you definitely sound like it? With all the sniffling and vomiting and hacking and what not" His voice was drenched in typical Jace sarcasm. After a short silent staring contest between the brothers, Jace's face softened. "Alec, what's going on? Like what's really going on?"

"Nothing" Alec said too quickly, diverting his gaze from Jace's.

"Nothing? You skip lunch almost everyday, and now you're actually skipping classes. This isn't like you, Alec." Alec scoffed.

"You sound like Mom."

"If I was Mom, I wouldn't have noticed there is something up with you" Jace said bitterly. Alec clammed up at that because he knew Jace was right. Looking down at his plain white covers, Alec started tugging at his bottom lip with his teeth. He could feel Jace moving over to the bed without even looking up. He could even feel the look of sympathy and confusion on Jace's face. It was funny. Jace and Alec always seemed to be able to sense one another, like they knew what the other was thinking or feeling before anyone else did or could. When Jace was first adopted and Maryse actually cared about her children a little bit, she had noticed it instantly: their odd, unspoken connection. However, as they had grown up and Jace began to meet people outside of the tight little Lightwood family (aka Clary), Alec had felt that bond between them begin to weaken. It was pretty much the reason Alec had been so callous towards her in the beginning. He had thought she was the reason for the unwanted distance. He'd accepted this space between them by now but sometimes he felt frustrated. _Why can't Jace just see? Why doesn't he just know the way Izzy does?_ Alec wanted Jace to know, he wanted to be honest with Jace about who he was, but he felt a little like Jace already should know. He knew if he wanted Jace to know what was going on with him all he had to do was tell him, but once he didn't have to do that. Once, Jace just got him. No words necessary.

After a long silence Alec looked up at Jace, his eyes revealing nothing. "There's nothing up with me" he said cooly.

"Really? That's how you're gonna play this." Jace was starting to seem irritated with Alec and after everything Alec had been through that day he was not in the mood for the third degree.

"I'm not 'playing' anything, Jace. There's nothing to tell. There's nothing going on. Everything is _fine_." Alec said the last word with a lot more force than he was used to using. He wanted that to be it. It takes two people to have a conversation and he was done with this one. Jace just gave a humorless chuckle.

"Right, yeah, sure. Everything is fine. You have been acting totally normal." Jace's tone was edging on harsh and Alec had already hit his tolerance for the day. With a sigh of defeat (and exasperation) Alec turned away from Jace and looked out his window at the looming skyscrapers.

"You know what? Fine. I'm done with acting. I'm so fucking sick of acting." Jace was a little taken aback by the rawness of Alec's voice and coarseness of his language.

"What are you talking about?" Jace asked confused. Alec snapped back towards Jace and Jace's eyes widened when he saw the sparkle of unshed tears brimming his brother's eyelids. There was something so utterly terrifying seeing your older brother, your strong defender, be on the verge of falling apart.

"How- how do you not know?" Alec shook his head in disbelief as he spoke. "What happened? What happened to _you and me_? Can't you see me?" Alec asked with desperation. And for the first time ever, Alec had made Jace speechless. Jace just sat there looking at his brother, his best friend, his _person_. Alec quietly thought about how much Jace looked like a lost puppy.

"Yes." Jace said at last. Now it was Alec's turn to look confused.

"'Yes'? What do you mean 'yes'?"

"Yes, yes- I can see you." Jace said so firmly that Alec gave him a hard stare, trying to read whether he knew. And then Alec finally saw it : Jace knew. Jace had always know.

"You . . . know?" Alec asked, trepidation laced his voice. Jace's usually hard gold eyes softened a little. He let out a small little laugh and shook his head.

"Of course I know Alec. Of course I do. You didn't think Izzy was the only who paid attention to you, did you now?" And for the first time since seeing Magnus that day, Alec's lips curved into a smile. He couldn't remember ever feeling this much relief. Not even when he told Magnus, did he feel this kind of relief. Alec had grown up with Jace, he had revered Jace, he had even wanted to be Jace for some time. Knowing that Jace had always known made Alec realize Jace had never really left him- he'd always been there for him. Alec had just been too caught up in himself to realize.

"How though?" Alec wondered. Now Jace really laughed.

"How did I know? Well, let's see. There are probably about twenty girls who have asked you out just this year, and I'm pretty sure only five of them did you really realize they were even talking to you. And you actually looked them in the eyes and not at their chest. There's also the fact that I have seen you checking me out before-" Alec began to protest but Jace held up his hand "-not that I can blame you since I do have a rocking bod. Although, the one thing that's never really added up to me is that you're not very great with the whole aesthetics thing. I mean you've got literally no style. I guess you could be hobo chic minus the chic." Alec scoffed but was also grinning.

"Those are like the dumbest reasons ever."

"Well I was right wasn't I?" Jace had that satisfied look on his face (some may call it arrogant) that he got when he was right about something. Alec just rolled his eyes but he couldn't fight the smile on his face. Jace might not say it, but Alec knew it was still there. That odd, little unspoken connection they had. That's how he knew. It's how he seemed to know everything.

"Jace?" Alec said, his voice becoming quiet, like they were sharing a secret.

"Yeah, man?" Jace questioned softly. The pretty blue light played with the gold in his hair and Alec felt a certain tranquility that he hadn't felt in a long time seep into him.

"Thank you" Alec said with such sincerity that you could feel it. Jace gave a little nod of understanding.

"Always, man. Always."


	13. The Aftershock

**I am very sorry for the long wait. I took a bit more time with this chapter so I could make it up to you guys. I hope you enjoy it (even though it's not the happiest of chapters). Also, I'm going to be a lot better with updating now that it is summer, I promise.**

When the alarm blared at 7 am, Alec instinctively smacked the snooze button. At least, he intended to. However, he missed and knocked over something else. Reaching down he grappled blindly for the foreign object on the floor as his alarm continued to blare on. Having just woken up Alec's eyes were still adjusting to the morning light streaming through his window so when he finally found the object and turned his head to see what it was it took him a moment to register what he was looking at. It was a book. He could tell that much. He brought it close enough to his face that it almost touched his nose as he tried to make out the title through his bleary eyes.

" _Catcher in the Rye_ " he grumbled quietly to himself. It was the last book Magnus had leant him. A lot had happened since then, enough so that Alec had never actually gotten around to finishing those last few pages. A task he did _not_ feel like doing at the moment. Staring at the cover Alec started to play through the events of yesterday. He could still hear Magnus's words like a sharp pain in his head, ' _that's it'_. Frustrated, he threw the book somewhere across his room.

"Alec! Would you turn off that blasted alarm!?" Izzy screamed from down the hall. Alec quietly mumbled 'hypocrite' to himself (or 'phony' if you're Holden Caulfield) but turned off the alarm nevertheless. Heaving himself out of bed, Alec did his best to shake off the memories of Magnus telling him the kiss didn't matter. He had to try even harder to shake the memories of Magnus's lips on his and his long fingers on his waist and the sheets of glitter that poured off Magnus with the rain until he was just a mortal man like the rest of them, like Alec.

Yeah, those memories were a little harder to forget.

Grabbing a towel off his dresser, Alec headed for the bathroom hoping that he could try to wash them away.

Upon emerging from the bathroom ten minutes later, freshly washed and clothed but still replaying the way Magnus had looked at him right before he kissed him again, Alec thudded down the staircase into the living room. Jace was already in the kitchen trying to figure out how their new 'espresso' machine worked. Maryse had just replaced their coffee maker with some high end piece of garbage and Jace and Alec still didn't understand how to use it. Jace let out a string of curse words at the contraption and that's when Alec decided to intervene.

"Hey Jace, want me to go for a coffee run?" Alec asked as he made his way into kitchen. Jace looked up at Alec with adoration.

"God, man, you are my freaking savior" he said grinning. The corner of Alec's lips twitched up.

"What do you want?"

"Well seeing that you're going out on a coffee run, how about some pastrami from Bully's" Jace suggested, his voice laced in his typical sarcasm.

Alec rolled his eyes at his brother. "I was looking for some coffee specifics actually" he clarified.

"Black, like my soul."

"God, you sound like Clary" Alec said looking slightly perturbed. Jace put his hand over his heart and scoffed in mock offense.

" _I_ am a man and black is a manly color. None of those fru fru drinks that your people like- ow!" Jace cried out in pain as Alec punched his arm . . . _hard_. "I was just joking bro!" Jace said in his defense.

"Well, next time you make one of your little jokes, Jace, I'm going to hit you a lot harder than that" Alec tried to sound angry, but part of him was sort of relieved about how incredibly _Jace_ Jace was being about Alec's coming out.

With a small laugh Jace said "Oh, come on Alec, we both know that I'm a better fighter than you."

Alec gave a slight shrug in admittance. "Fair enough, but 15 years of archery camp pays off."

"What are you gonna shoot me? We could start calling you Robin Lighthood."

"Robin Hood's got nothin' on me." Alec said with a rare smirk. Jace just laughed at this.

"In all honesty, and this may come as a shock, more important to me than your archery skills is your uncanny ability to buy your favorite brother some coffee."

"Max isn't even allowed to drink coffee." Alec said, feigning confusion. Jace glared.

"Har har, just go buy me some coffee before I die of old age." Jace pulled out a fiver out of his wallet.

"So dramatic" Alec chuckled but he snatched the money out of Jace's hand and headed out the door.

* * *

Since the Lightwoods typically have their own wonderful coffee maker, they don't have a coffee joint like most New Yorkers. However, a couple blocks down is Java Jones, and even though Alec certainly wouldn't call himself a regular, he has been forced to endure some horrible poetry and music by Simon's band there on multiple occasions. Although, he did try to avoid going as much as possible. He wasn't even sure what their band name was (that wasn't really his fault though seeing how it changes every week). Fortunately, the coffee they served almost made up for their poor choice of bands. The smell of coffee beans greeted him even before he reached the entrance. Pushing open the door, for a split second Alec enjoyed the peaceful morning buzz of drowsy city dwellers being reawakened by delicious mugs of hot joe.

Of course, peace was a rare thing for Alec.

And as he made his way toward the barista who seemed to be taking orders like a mad

woman, that momentary peace shattered as a boisterous man with glowing gold-green eyes turned away from the sugar and cream station too quickly and crashed head on into Alec. A sharp intake of breath could be heard as the man's hot coffee poured all over him.

"Oh my, I am so so-" the man cut himself off mid apology. "Alexander." Alec looked up from his coffee soaked shirt at the quiet declaration of his name.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Alec practically yelled in Magnus Bane's face. If everybody wasn't looking before, they were certainly looking now. But Alec paid no mind to the people staring at him, because at this point he was really beginning to believe that he'd been cursed.

"Oh god, Alexander! I am so so sorry! I didn't even see you there." Magnus muttered as he furiously grabbed napkins from the woman standing near them (who had unfortunately wound up in the splash zone too) and began trying to clean up Alec's sweater.

"You know, once is a mistake. Twice, and I'm starting to think you're trying to tell me something" Alec muttered angrily. Magnus would've tried to laugh it off usually, but there was an uncomfortable and unusual flicker of fury in Alec's eyes, that took him slightly aback. "Oh, wait" Alec continued, "you did tell me something yesterday. Your feelings were clear enough. You know what? I believe that you don't care about me. You don't have to spill coffee on me to fucking prove it." Magnus stared at Alec, surprise and concern evident in his eyes and that only made Alec more angry. _Where does he get off acting like he's suddenly concerned about me._

"Alexander, I- I'm so sorry. I truly didn't know you were there. I never would've purposefully spilled coffee on you. I'll buy you a cup of coffee. Two, three. Whatever you came here for, let me pay. And I can give you a shirt." Magnus rushed his words as he already began rummaging through his bag for another shirt. He was moving so quickly, so intent on trying to find a way to amend the situation that he didn't even notice the stuff that was falling out of his bag. He looked almost . . . _nervous?_ Suddenly, the anger that had overcome Alec at seeing Magnus (and getting a second chance to try his coffee on for size) faded. Alec realized he may have been a little too harsh. He hadn't intended to send his teacher into a fumbling panic.

"It's fine, don't worry about it" Alec said roughly, his walls were still up but at least he wasn't yelling or cursing anymore. Magnus looked up from his bag surprised at how quickly his tone had shifted. But even if he stopped yelling his blue eyes still looked coldly at Magnus, as if the ocean had frozen over. It made Magnus's heart ache a little that he was the cause of such anger and hurt.

"I- I _really_ am sorry Alec. _About_ _everything_." But Alec wasn't in the mood for apologies. Of all the goddamn coffee places in the village, how is it possible Magnus goes to the same one he does? _Just going to have to find a new coffee shop, I suppose_ Alec thought to himself. Masking his real anger with simple irritation.

"Don't worry about it" Alec repeated, but his voice was tight and Alec feared that without even wanting to he still managed to reveal so much of his heart. After a moment of _painful_ silence Alec muttered "I'm just going to go."

"Oh no, Alec, I'll leave. You buy your coffee. Here." Magnus said trying to give Alec some money to make up for the shirt (among other things).

"I don't want your money" Alec answered back stiffly, refusing to look at Magnus anymore, because a part of Alec knew that if he did, he would just about melt. And, rather than feel angry, he would feel something much more painful and difficult to carry, so, for now, Alec was just gonna stick with angry.

Magnus pulled back his hand, dejectedly. He was taller than Alec, but, in this moment, he felt so much smaller. Clearing his throat Magnus tried to defuse some of the tension. "So, um, will you be in class today, Alexander?"

Still refusing to look at him, Alec gave a short reply. "Yes, _Mr. Bane_." Alec said 'Mr. Bane' with such vehement distaste that Magnus had physically flinched. That name, for some reason, stung more than anything else Alec has said.

"You called me Mr. Bane." Magnus stated the obvious, which was quite unlike him.

'Yeah, you are my teacher after all." Then Alec finally looked at Magnus, and Magnus wished he hadn't. " _Nothing more_." Alec practically spat. Magnus winced. He knew that the best thing to do in this situation was to just get the hell out.

"Well, alright. I'll see you in class then" Magnus mumbled as he made his way out the door. What Magnus didn't realize is that his dismissive response to Alec's anger hurt Alec even more than if he had gotten angry as well. Alec felt like Magnus had just brushed off his feelings and it made Alec feel even more foolish. What Alec wouldn't say, but knew in his heart was true, was that he was much angrier at himself for believing that he could have any sort of relationship with _his teacher_ than he was at Magnus for rejecting him. With a heavy sigh, Alec turned his attention to the barista and ordered some coffee.

* * *

During lunch, later that day, Alec had an unusual quietness about him that, honestly, no one seemed to really notice. Alec was happy to go unnoticed though. If his friends started to ask questions then Alec would have to come up with some lie and lying wasn't really his strong suit. He had a tendency to make his feelings pretty clear to people. But Alec was realizing that this particular tendency was much more a burden than a blessing. Quietly shoving around his food, Alec wasn't really paying attention to anything going around him. Not like he was missing much. Simon said something stupid, Izzy was being flirtatious, Clary was laughing at the odd couple like usual and Jace was watching her. Same old, same old. Yet they all seemed so happy to do it. They had all seemed to have found their place- where they fit. And Alec was slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that we was their fifth wheel. How did he not see it before?

When the bell rang for sixth period it was almost a relief. Almost.

"Let's go, Alec" Jace said, "if you're late Mr. Bane might throw some more coffee at you and you can't afford to stain any more shirts." When Alec had gotten back to their apartment this morning in a huffy mood he told Jace the truth, sort of. He'd run into Mr. Bane (literally) and gotten soaked in coffee. Jace thought it was hilarious, and Alec forced a smile too, trying to act like it was no big deal. Just some spilled coffee. Nothing more. _Nothing more._

"Ha ha. Well if I run out of clothing I can just borrow your ginger shirt."

"Bad comeback man, because I love that shirt. You can't make fun of that shirt" Jace defended.

Clary looked up at him rolling her eyes. "Jace, that shirt makes fun of itself" she said. Jace looked down at her, totally offended.

"You bought that shirt!"

"As a joke! I never thought you'd actually wear it in public" Clary exclaimed. Jace looked down at the shirt, which he was currently wearing.

"I look good in it" he said weakly, pouting at Clary. Clary couldn't help but laugh at him. Alec watched this whole exchange, trying to look amused by their antics but each time Clary laughed while she looked at Jace with affection it just made Alec's heart hurt. Why couldn't he be like them? Have something like them? It was never hard for them. They were the same age. They were straight. They could be in love and have the whole world know and it was fine. It was better than fine. It was wonderful. And for a split second Alec had gotten to know what 'wonderful' felt like. Heading out the cafeteria door with his friends, Alec felt oddly alone.

"Alec, do you need to stop at your locker?" Jace asked, turning to look back at him with a giggling Clary tucked into his side. Alec blinked, coming out of his mental dialogue.

"Ah, no, I went before lunch."

"Cool" Jace said as they reached the stairwell that led up to the Lit floor. Reaching down to give Clary a quick kiss, Jace and Clary said their goodbyes and promised to meet up after school, before she spun and headed off to her sixth period. Jace and Alec headed up to Mr. Bane's classroom with Alec dreading every step that brought him one step closer to Magnus. Coming into the room, Alec's breath caught a little. He thought he was prepared to see him after this morning, but with the way the light was streaming through the windows and catching the bits of glitter that had stayed in Magnus's hair and reflecting in his bright eyes, Alec felt his heart ache a little. Magnus caught his eye and Alec suddenly found the floor very interesting as he quietly trudged to his seat beside Jace.

The class dragged on and Alec didn't raise his hand or offer an opinion once. Now, this wouldn't be unusual in any other class, but Magnus wasn't kidding when he had called Alec his best student. Alec usually always had some wonderful insight to offer, but he didn't today.

Or the day after.

Or the day after that.

And he was quiet still the day after that.

* * *

And so that's what it became, day after day, class after class. A quiet, sullen Alec sitting in his chair in the front row, never speaking. Not even listening. Magnus noticed. Of course he did, but he didn't say anything. He never asked Alec what he thought. He didn't want to embarrass him in front of his peers. So, Alec just sat there letting it all pass by him. Never saying a thing. Alec didn't have any other way to retaliate. He couldn't say anything. That was the whole point. He wasn't allowed to say anything. What had happened between them . . . no one could know. So, Alec thought, if he wasn't allowed to say anything, he wouldn't. He wouldn't say anything at all. But what Magnus started to realize as a week went by of Alec not saying anything in class, it wasn't just in his class that Alec had stopped participating. It was everything.

One day when Magnus was heading up to his classroom during lunch time to start prepping for sixth period, Magnus paused for a moment outside the cafeteria. A quiet boy with bright blue eyes caught his eye through the window of the cafeteria door. Alec was sitting with his brother and sister and Clary Fray (he had Clary in the same British Literature class that Isabelle was in). There was also some nerdy looking brunette holding hands with Isabelle, but Magnus paid no mind to him. Instead he was watching as Alec sat at the table not saying a word as his friends all seemed to be laughing around him. It was like they didn't even notice him. Like he was invisible. Alec just stared down at the table, fidgeting with his hands, as Magnus watched on.

Magnus noticed it in the halls too. When he passed by Alec in the hallway, on rare occasions, Alec was always surrounded by other people, yet he seemed utterly alone. Magnus watched as Alec seemed to fade into Jace's shadow. Alec seemed like he fit right in. Like he was used to being in the shadows and it made complete sense for him to go back there. Like he was returning home. And Magnus ached at the thought that Alec considered himself to be nothing more than his brother's shadow, because, to Magnus, Alec was the bright spot in a crowd of students, and everyone around him was in _his_ shadow.

* * *

It was sixth period on a Tuesday. It had been a week since Magnus had spilled his coffee (for the second time) on Alec. A week since Alec had yelled at him, thinking Magnus didn't care about him. How wrong he was. A week since Alec had stopped calling him 'Magnus.' A week since Alec had last participated during a class discussion.

"Hey Alec, Clary took my pen. Can I borrow one of yours?" Jace asked leaning towards Alec's desk as the rest of the class began the small writing assignment Magnus had just given them.

"Uh, yeah sure" Alec responded reaching into his backpack. Magnus looked up from his papers with a start.

 _A week since he had last heard Alec's voice._

Magnus hadn't even realized it but he hadn't heard Alec speak once since Alec chewed him out at Java Jones. And his voice. _God, his voice_. It was low and soft and gentle and Magnus couldn't think of a sweeter sound. How had he lasted a whole week without it? And it was pathetic, Magnus knew, but suddenly all he wanted was to hear that voice again. So, when everyone finished with their short free write where they reacted to _The Sun Also Rises_ (the book they had just finished reading) Magnus did something he probably shouldn't have.

"Alright, everyone finished? Great. Um, how about we have Alexander share?"

Alec looked up startled at hearing his name (it had been a week since Alec had heard Magnus say 'Alexander' and it made his heart speed up for more than one reason). Magnus was looking at him expectantly and trying to mask any other emotions that were threatening to flicker across his features. Steeling his nerves, Alec cleared his throat.

"Well, I- uh" Alec looked down at his paper searching for something intelligent to say. He didn't notice Magnus grip his desk at the sound of Alec's voice. "I, um, I felt like, the, uh, book was about disillusionment. People, um, all the characters, they seem a little lost. Like they don't really have a path, they're just wandering aimlessly." Alec bit his lip nervously when he stopped speaking. Magnus noticed, of course.

"Absolutely, but what I wanted to know is how you feel about the book? The characters? What's your emotional reaction to it?"

"I uh, well, I guess it was frustrating." Alec said after a moment's hesitation. Magnus looked at him intently. It was a sound adjective, made sense in regards to the novel.

"Could you elaborate a little?" Magnus inquired, genuinely intrigued by Alec's thoughts. However, Alec felt like Magnus was just trying to make fun of him or something, he wouldn't seem to let up. But Alec channeled his inner Jace and played it cool. At least that's how he started off.

"Sure, I just mean that it's frustrating because everyone seems to be searching for something real, a feeling. They get drunk, travel all over Europe, go to an endless stream of parties, because they are trying to _feel something_. Anything really. And it's frustrating because Jake and Brett already have something real and honest and beautiful. They found something to live for. They love each other. But they ignore it. They let a small problem-"

"Well, I wouldn't call Jake's impotence a 'small problem.' Wasn't small to Brett, or Jake for obvious reasons" Magnus replied, the rest of the class giggled a little.

"No, that's not really what I mean" Alec tried to explain, "I mean that what they found in each other is rare, they both know it. It's not something they're going to truly have anywhere else or with anyone else, but Brett, she just throws it away. Yeah, there's a problem. And it's not a small one by any means. But if Brett stopped being so worried about getting a small amount of pleasure from all the other men, then she may realize that she has something lasting with Jake."

"But I think she knows that. What they have, whatever you want to call it, it is lasting."

"But it's not good enough" Alec retaliated. He was starting to get worked up. "They love each other. Why can't they just be together?" Alec was looking at Magnus with pleading blue eyes and Magnus had to look away.

Softly Magnus responded "it's not so black and white, Alexander. You know that." Magnus still wouldn't look at him. The room had filled with an eery silence. Some noticing the personal nature of the conversation. Alec shook his head angrily at the book, at the story, at Magnus. Mostly at Magnus.

"Well then it's just fucking stupid" A collective gasp could be heard around the room. Even Jace looked at his brother with confusion and a little bit of shock (Jace was never rattled). Magnus pursed his lips but didn't seem all that surprised at the outburst.

Quietly Magnus said "Alexander, see me after class." Alec just looked down at his desk, he wasn't expecting anything less. There were some 'ooohs' from some obnoxious students and Jace was still looking at him completely taken aback, but Alec just kept looking down at his desk. After an uncomfortable moment of silence, Magnus continued on with the lesson.

* * *

When the bell finally rang, Alec was still staring down at his desk in quiet fury. Magnus was watching him patiently as students filed out of the classroom. When the last straggler was gone Magnus cleared his throat. Reluctantly, Alec looked up from where he was twiddling his thumbs.

"Alexander" Magnus started. Alec began chewing on his bottom lip. Magnus heaved a heavy sigh. "Alexander, I understand that I upset you last week, but your behavior in class today was unacceptable." A flicker of anger sparked in Alec's blue orbs.

"Why'd you call on me? I wasn't even raising my hand. You never call on students who don't raise their hands. Were you just trying to humiliate me?" Magnus was so taken aback by the last question he hardly noticed the vulnerability that had seeped into Alec's voice.

"'Humiliate you?' No, I was being your teacher. I was asking a question. This is a discussion oriented class and participation is important here. Whatever occurred in weeks past is beside the point. The point is that we exist in a professional environment, and your behavior was inappropriate." Alec was shocked by each passing word. How could Magnus act like this? Brush _him_ off like this? By the time Magnus reached his last world, Alec hit a breaking point.

"You want to talk about inappropriate? Tell me _teach_ how appropriate is it for you to stick your tongue down one of your student's throats?!" Alec regretted it the moment he yelled it. He regretted it even more when he saw the look of shock, hurt, and, worst of all, disappointment on Magnus's face. How could he have said that to him? Alec knew it wasn't like that. He wasn't some kid assaulted by his teacher. Alec had kissed him back. Alec had wanted him too (still did).

"A-Alexander" Magnus began with a shaky voice. The anger had completely drained out of Alec. Now he was just filled with guilt.

"No, Magnus, that's not what I-" his voice hitched "I'm sorry." Alec looked down at his hands and shook his head with disbelief. Anyone standing outside this classroom could have heard him, how could he have been so stupid?

"Alec, maybe you should leave." Magnus said quietly. Alec grabbed his backpack and swung it over his shoulder. He gave a solemn look at Magnus was staring down at his desk now.

Heading out the door Alec mumbled "I'll transfer out of your class." Magnus looked up at him but Alec was still heading out the door, not looking at him.

"There's no other AP Literature teacher" Magnus reminded him.

As Alec pushed open the classroom door, he risked a glance back at the man that had turned him into this person. This person Alec hardly even recognized. "Then I'll drop." And with that he left with a loud bang as the door shut close behind him. Magnus just watched, even after Alec left, staring at the closed door.


	14. Missing You

**See? I'm getting better at updating already. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

A dark blue door banged open as a bone tired Magnus hurled himself into his apartment. Chairman Meow jumped at the noise and watched with glowing eyes (not so different from Magnus's) as his owner swept past him and into the kitchen leaving a flurry of glitter in his wake.

Magnus went straight for the booze. Yes, it may have only been 3 in the afternoon but it was five o'clock somewhere, as the saying goes (even if 5 o'clock was in the middle of the damn Atlantic). And, more importantly, Magnus really needed a freaking drink. It's not like Magnus typically drowned his sorrows in alcohol (at least that's what he'll tell you) but it had been a rough week, and it was only Wednesday. Fortunately, Alec hadn't brought Magnus the pretty pink slip yet that stated he was leaving Magnus's class and not coming back, but, hey, it had only been a day. Alec had two more days to make this week go from bad to ugly. It wasn't like today was even that bad. There were no dreaded faculty meetings, no horrible playing nice with the teachers next door, no running into a certain pair of blue eyes, and no sudden enraged outbursts from that particular person. All things considered, today had actually been pretty good in comparison to what had become the norm. But that didn't make it any easier frankly, because there was still Alec. Still beautiful, young Alexander sitting in the front of Magnus Bane's class for forty excruciating minutes. Today, there was no screaming match. Just silence. Which, possibly, may have been worse. Because it's easier, it is always easier to wistfully imagine that you can have someone than to have see them right in front of you and, yet, be so incredibly out of reach. Magnus hadn't meant to hurt him. It's not what he wanted. Can't Alexander see that?

 _It wasn't what he wanted._

He met a boy. A boy with beautiful innocent eyes and a brilliant mind. A boy who made him question things. Who, without being given a key, easily opened a door in the heart of a closed off man. Of course he hadn't meant to hurt him. Magnus wasn't cruel. On occasion, he could act slightly sadistical. But he typically didn't hurt people just for the hell of it. But it was more than that. Of course it was more. Because Alec wasn't just _some person_. He was a person Magnus wanted to protect. A person Magnus cared for, deeply. So, if there was anyone on this planet that Magnus didn't want to hurt it was him. Alec who was so honest and good. _Alexander._

Magnus finished off the bottle of cheap wine that he'd been cradling and tossed the empty thing into his sink. Picking Chairman Meow off the floor Magnus held the chubby cat close to his chest, trying to feel some comfort. Cats are supposed to give comfort, at least that's what science says. But Chairman couldn't give Magnus the one thing he needed.

 _Alexander._

"Chairman, you'll always love me right?" Magnus asked the furry creature while pouting like a child. No response from Chairman. "Stupid feline" Magnus muttered as he placed Chairman back on the floor (What did science know anyhow?).

The sound of Magnus's apartment buzzer broke him out of his pity party. Magnus headed over to the intercom slightly confused. No one really came to see him during the week except Cat and she would usually text first.

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE GREAT PROFESSOR BANE?"

"You're not a professor, Magnus."

"Oh, Ragnor? Is that you?" Magnus inquired.

"Yes, it's me." Magnus smiled a little. As long as a day it had been, he was happy to hear the voice of one of his closest friends.

"Back so soon?"

"Yes, I'm back. Now, Magnus, would you buzz me in already?" Ragnor said in his usual gruff English-American hybrid accent. He was American but he spent so much time in London for his work that he'd started to code switch. Magnus buzzed Ragnor in and opened the door before falling back on the couch as he waited for Ragnor to climb up his apartment's rickety staircase.

"Hello Magnus" Ragnor said as he closed the door behind him.

"Ragnor" Magnus cried leaping up as if he'd just saw his best friend for the first time in weeks (which, actually, was true). "How are you dear chum? How was the flight from London?" Magnus asked gleefully. Ragnor hesitated and gave Magnus a peculiar look.

"Are you tipsy Magnus?"

"What? God, no. Can't I be happy to see a friend? For God's sakes Ragnor, it's 3 in the afternoon. What do you take me as? Some lazy drunk?"

"Well, sort of . . ." Ragnor admitted.

Magnus glared at him for a moment but conceded, "I may be a tad tipsy, yes. But it's really because this stupid job that's been kicking my arse. The people there, Ragnor, my God" Magnus started with a little shake of his head, but then he cut himself short, "-uh, this may be the wine speaking but is your skin tinted green?" Ragnor looked down at his own body with an embarrassed blush, so that he sort of resembled a christmas tree with a large red ornament on the top.

"In London, our company wanted to pick up this new line of moisturizer so they asked if they could just test it on me first, and, well, it's safe to say we won't be buying it up." Magnus stifled a giggle because he knew laughing outright would just make Ragnor more embarrassed and angry. "Anyway," Ragnor began, interested in changing the subject, "you were saying that you downed what looks to be a bottle of pinot because of the godawful people." Ragnor and Magnus had migrated to the kitchen and Ragnor could see the empty bottle lying in the sink.

"Well, I didn't say they were 'godawful.'" Magnus said looking down. When he glanced back up and saw Ragnor's confused expression, Magnus rushed to explain. "I mean most of them are pretty bad, yes. Dumb students and even dumber staff, but . . . well, there's one person who isn't awful. Actually, he's sort of wonderful. And, perhaps, that's the problem." Ragnor's expression changed from one of confusion to one of amused realization.

"Oh, I see. So, playboy Magnus has finally fallen in love."

"I'm not a playboy" Magnus refuted the first point (but didn't say anything against the second). Ragnor's eyebrows rose.

"Magnus, when was the last time you were actually in a relationship?" Ragnor asked. Magnus furrowed his brows. Unfortunately Ragnor had gotten him there.

Ragnor's expression softened as he realized (or thought he realized) the predicament. "Listen, Magnus. I know the last time you gave your heart to someone, you got hurt. You have trouble trusting people and it's okay to be cautious. But, if you've got a shot at the real thing, you can't scare yourself from it. I mean, does it feel like that? Like the real thing?" Ragnor asked softly. Magnus looked up at him with big, sad eyes.

Quietly he said "Yes, yes, it does." Ragnor smiled like this confirmed what he already suspected.

"Well, then, Magnus, you can't let him get away. If you've found something real, then you are lucky. So incredibly lucky. Do you have any idea how rare that is?" Ragnor was leaning into Magnus, speaking with a rare soft seriousness to show that he meant what he was saying, every word, and Magnus had to believe it too. Magnus closed his eyes in a slight grimace and then looked up at his friend who looked so earnest and happy for Magnus that it hurt.

"Ragnor, it's a little more complicated than that." Ragnor looked at Magnus confused.

"What? What could be complicated? You love someone. Be with them. It's simple. If there is some stupid policy about faculty members not being together, well, then, screw that." Ragnor chuckled. He was a stoic in most things, but deep down Magnus knew he was a huge romantic.

"He's not a faculty member" Magnus said in a small voice. Ragnor looked at Magnus confused.

"I thought you said he's someone from work?" Ragnor questioned. Magnus chewed his lip nervously, steeling himself for what he was about to admit.

"He is." Magnus's voice, somehow, was even smaller. Ragnor looked perplexed and waited for Magnus to explain, but when Magnus didn't Ragnor pushed.

"I don't understand then" Ragnor said waiting for a response but Magnus just looked at him with big expectant eyes, waiting for him to get it. Magnus watched as the idea dawned on Ragnor. With a horrified look he asked "wait, are you . . . are you saying you're in love with _a student?_ " Magnus just continued to watch as Ragnor realized what Magnus was implying. His eyes had gotten wide and his voice was unsteady. Magnus's silence was a good enough answer. "Magnus! You can't be serious? _A student!?_ " Ragnor shook his head bewildered. After he took a moment to digest this news, he turned to Magnus again. "How old?" he asked factually, trying to keep the anger from his voice. Magnus looked down at his nervous fingers and began playing with the many rings that adorned them.

In a tiny voice, Magnus said "Seventeen."

"By the angel, Magnus! What are you doing fooling around with a high schooler?" Magnus looked up offended.

"We are not fooling around" he barked.

"Well, then, what the hell are you doing Magnus!?"

"Nothing! We aren't doing anything."

"Please tell me that nothing has happened though. This is just some sick infatuation."

"'Sick'?" Magnus cried at him, but Ragnor didn't even register what he was saying.

"Did _anything_ happen Magnus?" Ragnor asked earnestly. Magnus got quiet again. Ragnor thought the worst.

"Did you have _sex_?" Magnus looked up startled by the question.

"No, god, no! We . . . there was a kiss" Magnus admitted. Ragnor's eyes widened. "Just one kiss!" Magnus rushed out. "It was nothing."

"'Nothing'? 'Nothing' could get you sent to jail Magnus! What the hell were you thinking?" Ragnor yelled at him. Magnus severely regretted telling Ragnor the truth. He'd always told Ragnor everything. He expected some anger and confusion, but not this much. Magnus hadn't wanted this to happen. He hadn't asked for it.

"I don't know, Ragnor. I wasn't, okay? I wasn't thinking. Anyway, I stopped it." Some relief seeped into Ragnor's expression as if that was the first good news he'd heard all day. But to Magnus it just sounded like a funeral march. "God, I stopped it. _It's over._ " Magnus said quietly. Ragnor heard the words and slumped back in his chair with relief, but he didn't hear the voice. He didn't hear the way Magnus's voice strained and shook as he said those two little words.

* * *

As Ragnor screamed and hollered at Magnus, somewhere else in New York City a quiet, lonely boy with beautiful blue eyes was reading the last couple pages of _The Catcher in the Rye_ as he thought helplessly of the man who'd given him the book. A man that sparkled brighter than dust caught in afternoon shafts of light. A man that was there the first time the boy ever told the truth. A man that was there every time after when the boy had something to say, whether it be a new idea or declaration of his feelings or even a small complaint. A man that had seen the boy covered in shadows and urged him into the light. He thought all this even as he read the very last line of the novel.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

And he thought, with a deep hollowness, how incredibly true that was.


	15. The Library Scene

**Hello to anyone who hasn't given up on this story. I don't really have an excuse for the long wait other than I am biggest procrastinator on the planet. This is short and a filler and not very good but it's something, so here you go. The next chapter is an important one so if you can stand to wait another month or so, stick around for that. It's probably going to be** **awhile though because I'm taking hard classes and it's football season which is busy for me because I'm captain of my cheer squad and then there's the small issue of trying to get into college. So, I apologize in advance.**

Hazy blue light filtered through the windows of the Greenwich Village Library. Magnus rubbed his bleary eyes and stifled a yawn. It was only seven at night, but he was so incredibly exhausted. Tutoring idiots was exhausting. Not that any child was an idiot. No sir. They all have great potential and can be anything they want as long as they set their mind to it. At least, that's what Magnus kept trying to telling himself, but his tutoree was doing a really good job of proving him wrong.

"So, she's mad at him?" The kid asked after reading the short letter from _84 Charing Cross Road_ for the umpteenth time.

"No, but at least that's a start" Magnus spoke dryly. He'd just about given up at this point, to say the least.

"But she seems angry." The boy looked at Magnus confused and, teacher as he was, Magnus felt a little bad for not helping him more.

"Alright, how about you write down all the tone words you see. Meaning, write down any word you think proves that Helene is angry, or, if you see a word that shows she is, in fact, not angry at all, but maybe happy, write that down too, okay?" The sandy haired boy with the blank look in his eyes nodded.

"Kay" was his monosyllabic response. He returned to his book and began to read the letter for the umpteenth and one time. Magnus sighed and looked to the clock hanging on the wall. They'd been going at this for two hours already. Just 30 minutes more and then he could go kill himself for deciding that he wanted to 'shape lives' and 'change the future through kids.' How stupid and naïve he had been. You can't reach a kid who doesn't want to be reached. Magnus yearned for the days he had spent at Oxford arguing ridiculous analyses of _Jane Eyre_ and the red room. Intellectual discussion. Stimulation. A kid that says something that actually freaking surprises him. Sighing again, Magnus's eyes wandered around the low lit library.

Then he saw him.

Magnus did a double take when he caught a sight of a pair of pretty blue eyes hiding beneath raven locks. _Alexander_. Magnus was here often enough and he never saw Alec here.

"Alec, it's pronounced ' _manga_ ' not ' _munga'_." The loud, young voice snapped Magnus out of his head to find that Alec wasn't alone. He was holding the hand of a cute little kid with glasses askew on his face making indents in his nose. Magnus heard Alec laugh at the little kid. The sound filled him with warmth.

"Whatever Max, can you just tell me where to find your weird Japanese comics?" Alec's words were dismissive but his tone was full of fondness and amusement. _Max._ The name sounded familiar.

"How would I know? I basically don't even live in this country" the boy, Max, had strange bitterness in his voice. Alec noticeably picked up on it. He knelt down before Max so they were at equal height.

"Hey, listen, if you want to stay with Izzy, Jace, and I it'll only be another month before I turn eighteen, okay? You can stay here, go to school here. Of course, that would mean that you wouldn't get to spend so much time with mom and dad."

 _Mom and dad_? Right, Max was their little brother. Magnus recalled Alec talking about him during Alec's day from hell.

"It's not like I spend much time with them anyway" Max said angrily. Magnus had always wondered about the Lightwoods home life. Alec had hinted at his parents not being around much, but it didn't seem right that they weren't even there for Max, who couldn't be older than ten.

Alec smiled sadly at his little brother and brought him into a quick hug. Changing the subject he said "I know buddy. Alright, let's go see if we can get the librarian to help us find your 'munga'."

" _Manga_ " Max repeated snippily but followed Alec over to the circulation desk. Magnus bowed his head hoping he wouldn't be seen. He didn't want to disturb Alec's time with his brother, since they clearly didn't get to see each other too much.

When Magnus looked back up the librarian was pointing and Alec was thanking her as he and Max headed in the direction of the graphic novels. It was in a separate part of the library and Magnus wasn't prepared to lose sight of Alec just yet. Magnus turned to his student. "I'll be right back. I'm just going to use the loo." The boy looked up, confused.

"The what?"

Magnus shook his head in exasperation. "I'll be back shortly." Magnus quickly got out of his chair and quietly scurried off in the direction of Alec and Max.

When Magnus spotted them, he ducked behind a bookcase and watched the eldest and youngest Lightwood interact. Max was searching at the many volumes with greedy eyes as Alec picked up a random book off the shelf and read the back of it.

"The zodiac curse? People turn into zodiac animals? What the hell?"

Max rolled his eyes. " _Fruits Basket_. It's actually a really good series."

"Uh huh" Alec said disbelievingly as he reshelved the book. "So, what are you looking for little man?"

" _Fullmetal Alchemist_ "

"Sounds cool" Alec said smiling down at his brother who was adjusting his glasses as looked at the books with incredible seriousness. Max strained as he tried to look at the top shelf. Alec, realizing this, laughed and scooped up his little brother, lifting him higher. Magnus couldn't help but catch the way his muscles bulged under his old, tired sweater. _God, that boy has no fucking clue_ Magnus thought in wonderment at his beauty and modesty. Max giggled and the new height and then yelped in delight when he spied the novel he was looking for. After helping him retrieve the book, Alec set his brother back down. Max looked up at Alec as if hung the damn moon (well, when he wasn't looking at the book the same way). Magnus knew the feeling.

"Alec, I don't want to leave again. I want to stay with you and Jace and Izzy. Alec had a heartbreaking look in his eyes.

"I wish you could, buddy. I really wish you could." Alec sounded vulnerable and a little desperate and suddenly Magnus felt like he was intruding on a very personal moment. _I should probably get back to that kid anyway._ Finally feeling slightly guilty for eavesdropping, Magnus tore away his gaze and left the brothers to their moment. Magnus heart was beating a little bit faster at seeing Alec and realizing what an incredible older brother he was. It made him all melty inside. It had been a long time since he had seen Alec happy and he saw Alec now he was raw and angry. Magnus had missed seeing Alec like this. But on the other hand, it hurt. Because now Magnus knew for sure what he'd been trying to deny this whole time.

He was madly in love with Alexander Lightwood.


End file.
